


Never Did Run Smooth

by queenitsy



Series: The Course of True Love [1]
Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 05:18:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenitsy/pseuds/queenitsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem isn't really that Kendall's been in love with James for as long as he can remember. The problem is the jealousy. Oh, and the lying. For a guy who hates lying, Kendall sure does an awful lot of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Harvestfest ficathon on LJ. The prompt: "So many fics write James as the one pining for an oblivious Kendall, who's straight until James makes him see the light. What if Kendall's the one pining away for James? I want to see him trying to win James over, and James to be oblivious and think Kendall's just a really awesome friend until he's somehow made to see the proverbial light."
> 
> The first section was written before "Big Time Interview" aired, so it doesn't quite comply with some details; aside from that, it also references/spoils basically everything that happens in the show.
> 
> Warnings: underage drinking, occasional cursing, awkward (but non-explicit) first time sex.

Kendall came in from playing outside to find his mother crying in the kitchen. He knew it wasn't the first time, even though she always pretended everything was fine. But she _wasn't_ fine, not since his dad left. It was going to be okay, though. Kendall had a plan.

He sat down at the kitchen table, rubbing her back with his small, grubby hand, and explained it: "You should marry Wayne Gretzky."

He knew it worked because she wiped her eyes, laughing. "What?"

"Mom, he's in the _Hall of Fame_ ," Kendall explained. "He's awesome and he's rich and he's the greatest hockey player of _all time_."

"Oh, honey." She kissed his forehead. "I don't need to get married again. You and," she rubbed her tummy, "this baby are all I need."

Kendall frowned a little. He was pretty sure his plan was great, and it would work if his mom just listened to him. She didn't, though, just told him to wash his hands before he had a snack.

In retrospect, Wayne Gretzky was probably Kendall's first crush.

\--

Kendall did _not_ want to go to first grade. His little sister was coming any day now and he didn't want his mom to be alone when it happened. It was stupid that he had to go to school at all. He'd barely learned anything in kindergarten, anyway.

So he was in a bad mood all morning. Lunchtime made it worse. At lunch, some kid named James Diamond wouldn't stop showing off his _Digimon_ lunchbox. It had a matching thermos inside, too. He was sitting next to Kendall and all Kendall had was his stupid brown bag, even though he'd really _really_ wanted a _Digimon_ lunchbox but his mom said things were just too tight right now.

So he didn't feel too bad about it as he pushed James off the cafeteria bench. Especially not because James pushed him back and the next thing he knew their teacher was standing between the two of them and Kendall had to go sit in the office. He wouldn't say he was sorry, though, because he _wasn't_ sorry, because James Diamond was a jerk and a show off and Kendall didn't want to be in school _anyway_.

He felt bad when he saw his mom that night, though. She looked really sad and told him that she knew he was angry right now, but she didn't want him to fight anymore. She made him promise, so he did, because he hated it when his mom looked sad.

But just because he promised not to fight didn't mean he stopped hating James Diamond.

\--

Everyone seemed to think Kendall should be really excited about having a new little sister, but mostly she was boring. She couldn't actually do anything but cry. But still, everyone said she was lucky to have a big brother like Kendall and that it was his job to watch out for her, so he decided he would.

When she was a couple of weeks old, his mom explained to him that she didn't want to go back to work at the restaurant. But it was cool, because instead, she was going to stay home and babysit a lot of other people's kids, so she also wouldn't have to worry about sending him to an after school program or finding daycare for Katie.

Kendall liked his mom's new plan. He liked that his mom was going to pick him up from school every day, and he'd get to play in the yard with other kids all afternoon. Plus Carlos from down the street was one of the kids, which was great. Kendall had known Carlos since they were babies. There was also a kid named Logan, who was in Kendall's class. All Kendall knew about him was that he could already read chapter books and the teacher really liked him.

The last kid was stupid James. Kendall didn't want James near any of his stuff or his baby sister, but he'd promised his mom he wasn't going to fight anymore, so he just crossed his arms and decided he'd only play with Logan and Carlos.

Except that stupid James followed them out into the yard anyway. Kendall ignored him but he just sat on the grass and watched as Kendall made Logan and Carlos play tag with him, but Carlos tagged James by accident and then James started playing, too, and that wasn't _fair_. Especially not because Kendall had touched the swing set, which was safe, and James said he didn't, but he _did_ , James just didn't see.

Kendall didn't shove James, though, because his mom was giving him that sad look from where she was hanging laundry up on the clothesline. Even though he really, really wanted to.

\--

When James turned seven in October, he had a big, stupid birthday party at his big, stupid house all the way across town. Kendall didn't want to go but his mom made him, and besides, Logan and Carlos were both going and Kendall didn't want them hanging out with James without him.

Then Kendall saw James' birthday cake. It was big and chocolate and it had a hockey player drawn in fancy frosting on it. A _hockey_ player.

Carlos asked James if he liked hockey. James said hockey was the absolute coolest sport. He was going to start taking skating lessons soon, even.

Before Kendall could remember that he hated James, he said, "I'm gonna be a hockey player for Halloween."

James stared at him, with his stupid, girly hair hanging into his eyes. Then he turned to his mom and said, "Mom, Mom, I changed my mind, I wanna be a hockey player too, like Kendall."

For just a second, Kendall wanted to shove James again for taking his idea because it was his _first_. But Carlos grinned at him and said, "Yeah! I'll be one, too. We should be a hockey _team_. Logan, you want to be on our team and go trick or treating with us?"

Logan nodded so hard it looked like his head might fall off, and as Kendall ate a piece of James' awesome hockey cake, he decided it was okay for James to have the same costume as him. Actually, it was kinda cool that James liked his idea and wanted to do it too. And Kendall definitely liked the idea of having his own team.

\--

Things were a little too tight for Kendall to take skating lessons like James. It was okay, though. Carlos' dad said he'd teach Carlos and him _both_ to skate.

  
\--

All four of them were hockey players for Halloween. Kendall's mom took them all trick-or-treating together. Mrs. Magicowski next door said they were an adorable little hockey team.

When they got back to Kendall's house, his mom let them each pick out three pieces of candy to eat. James leaned over and looked into Kendall's bag, and offered to trade Kendall his Smarties for a Tootsie Roll. Kendall didn't care about Tootsie Rolls but hated Smarties anyway, so he let James have them.

As the four of them sat down to watch _Charlie Brown_ and drink apple cider, Kendall decided that he liked having James on his team.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problem isn't really that Kendall's been in love with James for as long as he can remember. The problem is the jealousy. Oh, and the lying. For a guy who hates lying, Kendall sure does an awful lot of it.

  
In fifth grade, everyone in class seemed to call absolutely everything "gay." It got to the point where Mrs. Golden, their teacher, banned the word entirely.

The weird thing was that Kendall didn't even really get what it meant, why it was supposed to be so bad. He figured it was just another word like "sucks," something his mom didn't like him saying because adults had weird ideas about what words were dirty. He didn't really think anything about it until they were all lying around Kendall's house one afternoon, half-heartedly doing their assigned math problems, when Carlos called their homework gay.

Logan sat up and chucked his pen at Carlos. "Don't say that!"

James, lying on the couch trying to balance his pen on his nose, said, "What's  
the big deal?"

"My uncle is gay." Logan crossed his arms, huffy. "And he's not _bad_ and he's not _stupid_ so don't say gay when you mean those things."

Kendall turned that over in his mind for a second, something clicking into place. He'd met Logan's uncle a few times, and the guy was... different, kind of. Kendall had never put his finger quite on why, but there was just something about him.

"Huh?" Carlos asked.

Logan scowled. "You don't even know what it means, do you?"

Carlos shook his head. "Okay, know-it-all, what _does_ it mean?"

"It means that he... it's just that he -- well, it means he..." Logan floundered, looking around for help. Kendall shook his head a little, and James rolled on to his side and looked interested. Finally Logan explained: "My uncle, uh, well, he. It's just that he dates other guys. Not girls. Okay?"

Carlos made a face. "Weird."

"It's _not_ weird!"

"Is so!"

Logan tackled Carlos. Kendall frowned, watching them roll around. So _that_ was what it meant. He thought about Logan's uncle  
again and wondered if everyone gay was like that, if he'd be able to tell who was gay by the way they acted. He still wasn't even really sure what it was that he'd noticed as being weird.

Carlos and Logan crashed into a table, Carlos finally getting an upper hand and pinning Logan down. Kendall glanced at James, who was watching and laughing. But after a second of letting Logan squirm, Carlos said, "If it bugs you, I won't say it."

"Really?" Logan asked, surprised.

"I hate it when people talk bad about _my_ family." Carlos rolled off of Logan and smiled at him. "Can you help me with my math?"

Logan straightened his shirt and nodded. "Yeah, we should _all_ get to work. There's a unit test next week."

James and Carlos both groaned and Kendall shook his head a little, trying to clear it.

\--

Girls.

Kendall didn't really get the big deal.

It wasn't that he didn't _like_ girls. Kendall had always had plenty of girl friends, just not _girlfriends_. He was even friends with Jenny Tinkler when she accidentally set some popular girl's notebook on fire and no one else in class would talk to her.

It was like he turned around one day and all the girls in class had passed around one of their weird, baffling notes with all the letters dotted with hearts, and the letter said that they were all going to start acting like weirdos. Suddenly they were all... like, following boys around and _touching_ them all the time. Then they'd whisper to each other and giggle. And then maybe wave and giggle some more. They seemed to do it to basically every guy who was into sports or who'd hit his growth spurt or whatever -- but especially James.

Girls were obsessed with James. Some of them seemed to like Kendall fine, and a couple even liked Carlos and Logan, but there were _always_ girls hanging on James. They laughed at his jokes, even though most of his jokes weren't funny, and they would even sit in the bleachers and watch when the guys played floor hockey in the gym after school.

James loved every second of it. He kept getting distracted during games, waving back at them and making them all giggle some more -- which was fine, because when he stopped paying attention Kendall could totally score against him. But what was with that? James never used to get distracted playing hockey.

What was even weirder was when Logan and Carlos started doing it, too. Carlos was still the shortest boy in the class, but he'd started working out with his dad and even though he wasn't tall, he was kind of bulking up. And Logan wasn't tall and he wasn't bulky, but Kendall heard girls whispering about how he was kind of cute in a shy way. And Kendall guessed maybe some of them kind of liked him, now, too. He didn't get why, though. He wasn't doing anything different.

Then, out of the blue, the guys around him seemed to care. James was first, of course, winking at the girls in the bleachers or on the playground. Carlos wasn't nearly as subtle about it, waving his arms around and yelling at girls from across the classroom. Logan just blushed a lot as he helped girls with their classwork.

Kendall... Kendall still didn't really get it.

\--

James had his hands in his pockets when he walked up to Kendall in class Friday morning. Which meant something was kind of wrong. Kendall had known James since they were little kids and could read him like a book. He raised his eyebrows, waiting.

"I, uh. I can't make it over for fishsticks tonight."

"What?" Kendall gasped. None of them _ever_ missed Fishstick Friday. It was a tradition.

"It's just. Monica Jennings. You know?" James' gaze darted around and he found Monica in the back of the classroom. He waved at her and she giggled into her notebook. "I asked her out, and we're gonna go see a movie tonight."

"Seriously?"

James nodded. "Mom's gonna drive us and she promised to sit at least three rows behind us in the movie theater." He paused, then, in a whisper, added, "If it's dark enough that mom can't see, I'm going to kiss her."

"Wow," Kendall managed, because he knew he should be impressed. None of the guys had actually kissed a girl before, but then again, Kendall had never really wanted to, either. Still, he knew it was a big deal, so he added, "Awesome, tell me how it goes."

James grinned at him and Kendall pretended it didn't matter. Though as the rest of them all shoveled fishsticks into their mouths that night, and Carlos paused long enough to say he didn't think there was a single girl who was cool enough to skip Fishstick Friday for in the world, Kendall privately agreed. Because seriously, how could going out with a girl possibly be better than fishsticks with friends?

\--

It was one thing for Kendall to feel that way when they were 11. But Kendall wasn't dumb, and he realized somewhere in the back of his mind that it was weird that he still felt like that years later, when every other guy he knew was obsessed with the girls' suddenly-developed cleavage.

\--

They were all piled into Mrs. Garcia's minivan for a trip to the mall. James had ended up in the front, which he always complained about because he couldn't hear the other guys, but as soon as the van started rolling he reached for the radio controls, flipping through fuzzy stations. Kendall was a little surprised when he passed by their usual top 40 channel, but he stopped on something  
playing the oldies.

Kendall didn't recognize the song. It sounded like something Motown, the kind of thing James' dad listened to. And _James_  
definitely knew the song. He started humming along, then singing.

Kendall's, Carlos', and Logan's voices were all still cracking all the time, jumping up and down an octave at random and breaking in between. Not James', though. His voice had seemed to drop overnight, all at once, only breaking when he was upset or flustered. Not now.

Now, he was just belting along to the radio, his voice smooth and golden. He'd always said he wanted to be a singer and Kendall had always laughed it off, but listening to James crooning in the car, it suddenly didn't seem so ridiculous. James' voice sent something warm racing down Kendall's spine, flowing through his blood until he was hot all over.

Years later, Kendall realized that was the moment he stopped thinking of James as just his best friend and started to think of him as something _else_ , even though he didn't know what yet.

\--

Kendall lived and breathed hockey. He was glued to the TV for every Wild game that was broadcast, he practiced at the rink every day he could, and he'd been on a team every year since he was eight. Playing hockey with his friends was his idea of perfect. Nothing could ever change that.

Except that as he got a little bit older, understood the world around him a little better, Kendall got a pretty good idea of what kinds of guys weren't really welcome on hockey teams. What kind of guys made other guys uncomfortable.

The first time he heard one of his teammates call someone a fag, it was mostly just joking, teammates hazing each other, but it still made him freeze in place. The insult connected somewhere at his core, in a way he wasn't ready to think about, so he just didn't.

But he did swear to himself, he'd never, ever do anything to make the team call him that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problem isn't really that Kendall's been in love with James for as long as he can remember. The problem is the jealousy. Oh, and the lying. For a guy who hates lying, Kendall sure does an awful lot of it.

The week he turned fourteen, Kendall walked into the school's guidance office and requested a proof-of-age certificate. With it in hand, his next stop was Sherwood Grocery, where he found a manager and begged his way into a job interview.

His interview was with Stacy Sherwood, whose father technically owned the store, though he'd retired and she ran it. He charmed his way into a job, even though she didn't usually hire minors and he couldn't work that many hours. Now that his mom had managed to land a gig as the head waitress at a pretty decent restaurant, she needed him home to watch Katie a lot of the time, which he didn't mind. But he knew things were a little tight, and he wanted to be able to pay for his own hockey gear, if nothing else.

It was a pretty good job. Apparently fourteen was considered too young to be trusted with money, so Kendall wasn't allowed to work the registers, but he did bag groceries and stock shelves, and at least once an hour he had to make his way into the parking lot to gather up all the scattered carts. The work was mindless, and Stacy insisted on blasting the 90s channel across the whole store all day and night, but Kendall liked getting a paycheck. Besides, the guys tended to show up at random, just to hang out. A lot of the time, all three of them would appear and play hockey in the empty areas of the parking lot while Kendall corralled carts and occasionally took practice shots, if Stacy wasn't around to notice and yell at him.

It was great, really. Between school, hockey, his job, his family, and his guys, Kendall felt pretty good about life. But, not that he'd admit it, his favorite nights were Thursdays. Thursdays, for some reason, were his mom's evening off -- which meant she could stay home with Katie, so Kendall could work a little bit later. Carlos and his dad had joined a father-son bowling league together, which met every Thursday night, and it was also the day Logan had some kind of special, evening math class his parents made him take.

So Thursdays, without fail, James would wander into the Sherwood on his own and hang out at the end of Kendall's aisle or perch on the rail of the cart corral It was pretty much the only time the two of them ever hung out, _just_ the two of them. Kendall felt guilty about how much he enjoyed it, because he loved hanging out with _all_ of his friends, not just James, but for some reason spending time with James felt different than spending time with just Logan or just Carlos. No matter how cold it was outside when he schlepped people's groceries to their cars in exchange for meager tips, he went home on Thursdays feeling warm.

\--

Girls liked Kendall. A surprisingly amount of girls, actually, but not as many as liked James. So Kendall would sometimes ask one out and take her to the movies a few times, or to school dances or whatever. It was never anything serious, and half the time it was really just group hang out sessions, him and a girl with James and whatever girl he was with that week, and sometimes Logan and  
Carlos with whoever James had set them up with. Kendall thought those were the best kinds of dates, really, because he liked having his guys around to goof off with.

Fifteen years old, and hanging out with them was _still_ better than anything he'd done with a girl. And he'd definitely done  
stuff. He'd made out with most of the girls he'd dated, and he'd gotten a little bit further. James described second base like it was the promised land, but Kendall honestly didn't know what to do when he had his hand on a girl's boob. The whole thing was just kind of weird.

Still, it was just high school, and his mom made it really clear that he shouldn't go too far with anyone, in terms of sex _or_  
commitment. She never said it was because she'd made mistakes, because she'd stayed with her high school sweetheart and had kids instead of going to college, but Kendall was smart enough to work out what she meant. So he didn't let any of his dates turn into anything, and neither did any of his friends. Luckily. Because every time James went out with another girl, Kendall felt weirdly nervous about whether James was going to fall in love, and the thought of James falling in love with someone...

Kendall didn't think too much about it. But he was always secretly pretty relieved when James moved on to whoever was next.

\--

What finally made everything fall into place wasn't even James. But because he was Kendall, it had to happen at a hockey game.

It was a local team from one of the colleges Kendall figured he'd apply to someday. It was a weekend game, and James' dad was actually in town and wanted to suck up to his son to pretend he wasn't scum. (That was what Kendall overheard Mrs. Diamond explaining to his mom, anyway.) So James' dad had offered to take the four of them to see this game, and it was awesome. Kendall loved watching hockey almost as much as he loved playing it, and he spent the whole game shouting and cursing and high-fiving his friends, and it was great.

Then, as the game ended, he happened to look down at the box at the edge of the rink. One of the home team players had pulled off his helmet, jersey, and pads right there, which left him in an undershirt. His hair was kind of long and damp from sweat, so the guy grabbed a bottle of water and dumped it over himself. The world seemed to go into slow motion as he laughed, shaking droplets out of his hair and then mopping his face, which was still flush from the cold and the victory.

Kendall swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, and he couldn't look away until the guy disappeared into the locker room. It was crazy, because his friends were still right there cheering over the win, but Kendall barely heard them, was barely aware of anything at all. He just stared at the spot where the hockey player had been, remembering the way the light had glistened on his hair, the way his arms had been perfectly toned and his shoulders had been really broad and strong and --

Carlos slapped his shoulder, laughing about something, and Kendall forced himself back to real life, but he felt something heavy inside him, something he couldn't shake. Something that was equal parts guilt and desire and terror.

Still panicked, he spent the rest of the weekend holed up in his room, alone. He called out of work sick, and his mom felt his forehead and sent him to bed even though he didn't have a fever. He lay curled on his side, staring at the faces on the stupid sports posters he'd had hanging up since third grade, wondering what the fuck he was supposed to do now.

He honestly had no idea, but he couldn't pretend that nothing had happened or that nothing had changed. Because it had. When he closed his eyes, he could picture that hockey player so clearly, and every time he did, he wanted to stick his hand down his pants. The one time he gave in and let himself, he came harder than he ever had before, his head full of images of smooth pecs and strong arms, six-pack abs and stubble, and he was pretty goddamn sure that wasn't what his friends imagined when _they_ jerked  
off.

He still had no idea what the hell to do when school rolled around on Monday, but his mom wasn't nearly as okay with him faking sick on school days as she was on weekends. So he trudged in anyway and tried not to think about it. And really, he decided, that was the best he could do: never think about it, never tell anyone about it, and never, ever, ever do anything that would let other people guess about it.

\--

"You guys should audition for the show with me."

Kendall shoved the last cart into place and turned to James. "What?"

James nodded. "I was thinking, we should all try out. I mean, obviously I'm going to get the lead." He grinned broadly. "But it would be kind of awesome, right? If we were all in the show?"

James had been going on about the school's annual musical since it had been announced a week ago. Of course he was going to audition. It was a chance to sing and dance on stage, the closest he could get to being a star in their tiny town. And Kendall had no doubt that he'd get the lead -- James might only have been in ninth grade, but he was already taller than half the drama club, and better looking than almost anyone in school. All the girls said so, anyway.

This was the first time he'd brought up anyone _else_ auditioning, though.

"I don't think so, dude," Carlos said. "You remember what happened when I had that choir solo?"

Kendall grimaced. Okay, so Carlos had puked more because of food poisoning than anything else; it wasn't like he really had stage fright or anything. It was just that puking on stage when everyone was watching could make anyone paranoid about singing in public.

"Okay, fine. Logan?"

Logan shook his head. "No way my parents would let me, it would interfere with tutoring."

"Like _you_ need a tutor," James said, half-accusatorily.

Logan rolled his eyes. "I know, but my parents think I need all this college prep stuff."

"College is ages away!"

"I know! But they..." He scuffed a sneaker against the blacktop. "They're talking about me graduating early, or transferring to a prep school or something."

"What, seriously?" Kendall broke in. "They want you to go somewhere else? Are you gonna do it?"

"No," Logan snorted. "Of course not. But when I try to tell _them_ that they get all... you know what they're like. So I  
agreed to take the stupid classes and _think_ about it. It's stalling them for now."

Kendall nodded, though he felt a little guilty. Logan was way too smart for their school. Kendall himself was hoping to eventually go to a decent college on a hockey scholarship, but Logan was probably going to go to Harvard or something, and with an academic free ride, too. Kendall just hated, hated, _hated_ the idea of Logan leaving them to go to school anywhere else. If he went to some prep school, they'd only get to see him on weekends, and if he graduated early, then for a whole year they'd all be stuck in Minnesota while he was only there on college vacations. It would suck.

"What about you, Kendall?" James asked.

Kendall froze, hand outstretched to grab one of the carts. "What about me, what?" he managed.

"You should try out with me." James nudged his side, and Kendall shoved his arm away, his skin hot where James had touched him despite the crisp autumn weather.

"I'm not going to do that." He _couldn't_ do that. It was fine for James to be into musical theater. It was just one of James' quirks. But Kendall knew full well that musical theater was pretty gay, and guys like him weren't supposed to be into that kind of thing. And he _wasn't,_ not really. He just also couldn't afford to have anyone looking at him and wondering, asking questions. Kendall was _not_ that kind of guy.

"Why not?" James asked. "It would be cool, we'd get to hang out all the time."

Kendall ignored the flush rising on his face, glad the wind was chilly enough to turn his cheeks red on its own. He dodged further away from James, leaning into the corral to push out a whole row of carts he'd collected so he could wheel them back to the store. "I'm not a singer."

"You sing all the time," Carlos said.

"I do not!"

"You're constantly singing along with the radio in study hall," Logan pointed out. "It's kind of annoying, actually."

"Shut up!"

James laughed. "Aww, come on. I don't want to do this alone."

Kendall swallowed. "I thought that was exactly what you wanted. I mean, _you're_ the one who wants to be a star. I just want to play hockey. And by the way, you'd better not get rusty at skating while you're busy rehearsing and the rest of us are at the rink, practicing."

"You know I'd never let that happen," James said, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, though, you should think about auditioning. You'd be good."

Kendall's heart leapt a little, beating weirdly fast, but he shook his head. "I'm not going to. You're on your own, superstar. But I'll go see your show."

"You'd better," James said.

\--

The lead in the show actually went to a senior. James had a secondary role with a few decent solos, and he was the only freshman with such a big part, but still. It was stupid and unfair. He _deserved_ the lead and everyone knew it. He complained about it to Kendall the first Thursday after rehearsals started, and Kendall backed him up totally. Anyone who didn't see that James was amazing on stage had to be blind or stupid.

The next Thursday, things had started to look up. James said that the director was really encouraging him and excited he was so involved. Plus the drama club kids were cool. James got along great with them, and it showed all day at school, too -- suddenly they all waved at him in the hallway. Even seniors, which was kind of a surprise.

On Monday, James ditched study hall to practice with them in the theater, and Wednesday, some girl came up to him in the hallway right before lunch. James was at his locker, while Kendall waited for him to stow his stuff. This girl, whose hair was dyed cranberry pink, just walked right up to James and slid a finger through his belt loop.

Kendall froze at the sight, even as James laughed, and the girl said, "We're all gonna eat and run lines in the theater. You coming?"

"Uh..." James glanced back and forth between her and Kendall, who managed to get himself under control and raised his eyebrows.

The girl noticed him, finally, and said, "Oh! I'm Lauren. James and I have some dances together in the show, it's awesome. You're Kendall, right? From the hockey team?"

Kendall nodded, and then, hating himself as he did it, he said, "Yeah, nice to meet you. Cool. James, I've got to finish my math homework anyway, so you might as well..."

"You  
sure?" James asked.

It took all of Kendall's willpower to nod. James grinned at him and took Lauren's hand, pulling it away from his belt and tangling his fingers with hers. He shot Kendall a grin and let Lauren tug him away through the hallway.

Carlos had remedial English that period, and Logan had AP biology. Kendall sat at the table he and James usually claimed, with the rest of the hockey team and some of the other jocks. The cafeteria was as loud and raucous as always, and no one else seemed to notice that James was missing.

Kendall told himself it didn't matter.

\--

Kendall got a text near the beginning of his shift at the Sherwood the next day. He waited to check it until he was out in the parking lot, sure Stacy was busy inside.

From James: _date w l tonight gon catch a move c u tmrw?_

Kendall snapped his phone shut and slid it into his apron pocket.

As "Alone Without U Girl" by Boyzcity blasted through the parking lot, Kendall pretended that didn't matter, either.

\--

James started dating Lauren. Like, _actually_ dating. Not going out a few times and then moving on, but going out a couple of times a week, and really, really _not_ moving on. They held hands in the hallway and during lunch, and James texted her all the time, even when he was hanging out with the guys, sprawled across Kendall's living room floor after a satisfying Fishstick Friday.

There was a school dance coming up. Obviously those two were going together, so Kendall asked out a girl named Lisa from his global history class. Lisa had blond curls and blue eyes and was really, really pretty, so Kendall was a little surprised that she didn't already have a date, and felt weird about it when she actually _gasped_ as he asked her. She said yes, of course, she couldn't wait, and kissed his cheek, then ran off with her posse of girls, giggling and squeaking.

The other guys agreed she was totally hot, and gave him way-to-go high fives. James suggested that they double-date before the dance, going out to get dinner somewhere. Kendall agreed.

Lisawas beautiful in a pale pink dress, and warm cuddled up against his side in the restaurant booth. Across from them, James wasn't dressed _up_ so much as he was dressed _cool_ , and Lauren was wearing a loose black top that slid off her shoulder, showing her bra strap, and bright red fishnets under a poofy black skirt. Somehow, Kendall didn't think that their two dates looked like they belonged together at all, especially because Lauren and Lisa obviously had nothing to say to each other.

It was fine, though. Even if they made for a weird foursome for the night, it was only one night.

  
But because everyone talked about how good Kendall and Lisa looked together, both so blond and all-American and cute, Kendall asked her out again anyway.

\--

James lost his virginity to Lauren a couple weeks later.

Kendall broke up with Lisa that same weekend. She was sweet, really, but kind of boring, and she thought Carlos was weird and Logan was a nerd. Plus, she didn't even like hockey, and the season was going to start soon.

\--

The school musical was set to show three times: Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. Friday, Kendall went with Carlos and Logan, and they all dragged their families.

James _owned_ the stage. There really had been no point in giving the lead to a senior, because every second James was on  
stage, he made it impossible to look at anyone else. He showed up not just the lead, but the entire rest of the cast, head and shoulders above them all.

When he came out for his bow, the theater erupted into cheers, though of course Kendall's section was the loudest. He, Logan, and Carlos all screamed like they did at hockey games, and after his bow, James waved over at them, grinning ear-to-ear.

Saturday, Kendall had to work. Sunday afternoon, he hesitated, thinking he should call Logan and Carlos, but instead he biked to the theater by himself and bought the five-dollar ticket.

James was just as good the second time around. At curtain call, Kendall stood and cheered from his seat in the back, and James' gaze snapped right to him and he grinned. As the theater emptied out, Kendall got a text: _hey meet me in the lobby!!_

So Kendall hung out in the milling crowd, near one of the hallways that led to a row of lockers. Eventually he saw James duck out of the theater, though he was immediately pulled into a crowd of well-wishers. It took him a few minutes to break free, but then he looked around. Kendall waved and James danced through the thinning crowd.

"What are you doing here?" James asked, but he was grinning, happy about it.

Kendall shrugged. "Wasn't doing anything else."

"I can't believe you came again." James beamed at him. "Hey, listen, the cast party was yesterday, but in a little bit we're all going to go out for dinner. You want to come?"

Kendall blinked. Aside from their awkward double date, James hadn't asked any of the guys to do anything with his theater friends, even when he started hanging with them outside of rehearsals, too. So Kendall nodded. "Sure, I guess."

"Great! Oh -- hey!" He waved over the crowd, and a second later, Lauren broke through, her formerly-pink hair now brown for the show. James wrapped an arm around her. "Kendall's gonna come out with us."

"Oh." She sounded as surprised as Kendall had felt at James' offer. And even though she added, "Cool," she looked Kendall up and down suspiciously, and Kendall's skin crawled. He had a fleeting, paranoid thought that she _knew_ , but all she did was laugh and kiss James' cheek. "You should go wash your stage makeup off, baby."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll be right back. See you in a few!"

James bounded back towards the theater. Lauren gave Kendall a dark look and then disappeared after him. Kendall shoved his hands in his pockets, waiting awkwardly. When James came back out, he and Lauren ushered Kendall into some senior's car and the cast filled up about six different tables at a local diner.

Kendall felt decidedly weird and out of place, even smushed onto a bench next to James. Everyone else was laughing and joking around, complimenting each other on their performances, but Kendall didn't know any of them. Except James, of course, and kind of Lauren. Who insisted on sitting on James' lap.

Kendall wasn't used to feeling out of place. Even though the people were nice enough, he felt superfluous -- he didn't get their jokes, hadn't been part of this whole experience. He swallowed down a soda and tried to keep smiling and nodding, laughing along. The whole thing just felt wrong, bitter, because he'd never not been part of something so important to James before.

The fact that Lauren kept feeding James her French fries and cooing at him definitely didn't help.

\--

Thursday rolled around. A few inches of snow had fallen in the last week, and even though most of it had melted off of the blacktop, the parking lot was cold and muddy and gloomy. Kendall had to wear a coat under his apron and pull it off when he helped out inside.

He genuinely wasn't expecting it when James wandered through the parking lot, hands shoved in his pockets. Kendall was very much his mother's son, so his immediate reaction was raised eyebrows and, "Fingerless gloves are not actually that practical."

James laughed and pulled one of his hands out to examine it. "They look so cool, though."

Kendall rolled his eyes. "No date tonight?"

"Nah." James shrugged. "No more rehearsals, so we haven't seen each other as much. It's kind of weird, like, what did I used to do with my afternoons?"

Kendall rolled a cart and it slid home into the corral perfectly. Hole in one. He grinned, kicked James' leg with his muddy sneaker, and said, "Hang out with your buds, remember?"

"I still do that!" James paused. "You... you don't like Lauren that much, huh?"

"Huh?" Kendall echoed.

"Come on. I've dated girls before and you never got all..." James gestured vaguely. "You always at least try to get to know them."

"Oh." That stung a little, because James was right. From the moment James had ditched their Thursday night hang out for her, Kendall hadn't liked her at all.

"So? What's wrong with her?"

"Nothing. She seems nice."

"You're such a liar." James leaned back against the corral. "Come on, Kendall. You can tell me."

Kendall knew for sure that he couldn't tell James anything. He couldn't tell James that to him, James was golden; he couldn't even tell James a secondary truth, that he was jealous of all the times James ditched him -- all of the guys -- for his girlfriend and his new friends. Because that was stupid. Best friends didn't care about that kind of thing.

James rolled his eyes. "Fine, don't tell me."

"I like her fine! I just don't know her. Like you said."

"Yeah, well... you should ask out some girl so we can double date again. _Get_ to know her."

Kendall sighed. "Fine. Fine."

\--

The double date wasn't a disaster, but Lauren spent the whole thing all over James like she had something to prove. Judging by the nasty looks she shot Kendall, maybe she thought she did.

\--

Logan and Carlos were bickering incessantly about something involving dinosaurs while Kendall shoveled snow off of Sherwood's front display area. Logan gestured angrily with a cup of hot cocoa clenched in one hand. He was going to spill it if he kept that up. Or alternately, when Carlos tackled him and sent them both careening into a snow drift.

Neither of those happened. Instead, James walked up, his coat unzipped and a scarf wrapped a couple of times around his neck. Carlos and Logan paused in their argument to greet him. Kendall waved as James hopped up onto the cart corral's railing.

"What's up?" Carlos asked.

James hesitated, then, "I think Lauren's mad at me."

That hit Kendall somewhere in his gut. He managed, "Why?" without sounding like he cared too much.

"Dunno. I told her I wanted to hang out with you guys on Friday and she got all..." He gestured, still wearing impractical fingerless gloves. "And she wants me to do the winter play, too."

"You don't want to?" Logan asked.

James shrugged. "I do, but... hockey. And I said that and she got all crazy."

"That sucks," Kendall said. "But you are playing hockey with us, right?"

James rolled his eyes. "Yes, Kendall, I'm playing hockey. Don't freak out."

"I'm not freaking out."

"Yes, you are! Because you don't like Lauren." James frowned. "You _never_ liked Lauren."

"I do so," Kendall snapped.

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I --"

"No," James said, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. "You don't."

So Kendall took the bait: "So what if I don't? She's mad at you, what do you care if I don't like her?"

"Because she's my girlfriend! And you always treat her like crap."

"What?" Kendall asked, genuinely shocked. "I do not. I barely ever even talk to her --"

"Yeah, I noticed. Because you're a jerk who won't even give her a chance, even though I'm _supposedly_ your best friend and she's important to me. "

Kendall's blood boiled. "Give _her_ a chance? Every time she sees me coming she tries to drag you away! If she had her way,  
you wouldn't even get to hang out with me -- any of us. You'd just be with her all the time."

James' jaw dropped and Logan coughed a little. "She is kinda possessive, James."

"Sure, take _his_ side," James muttered. Logan looked away immediately.

"Guys, come on," Carlos tried. "We don't need to fight about this. James, Lauren can be kind of... but it's okay, she's also very nice."

"Not helpful," Kendall muttered. "Look, I'm just saying. If you want to do the play, do the play. I bet that'll make Lauren happy, if that's all you care about."

"So you don't care if I have time to play hockey?" James narrowed his eyes.

The words were out before Kendall could stop them: "If you'd rather be with her, maybe the team would be better off without you."

Carlos gasped and Logan's eyes went wide. "Kendall, you don't mean --"

"It's his choice." Kendall grabbed one of the carts. "Whatever. I've got work to do."

He felt James' glare on his back as he stalked into the store, but by the time he turned around to get the next set of carts, James was gone.

\--

They didn't talk for the rest of the week. James sat with the drama kids at lunch, Lauren on his lap until the lunch monitor yelled at them, and he shoulder checked Kendall every time they passed each other in the hall. Kendall had to bite back rage every time he saw James with Lauren, but alone in his room at night, he'd play the image through his mind again. When he was alone, there was something underneath the rage that he wasn't really ready to admit was heartbrak.

\--

Neither of them apologized. But James showed up on Kendall's doorstep Friday night, arms crossed, looking huffy. He didn't say anything at all.

Kendall hesitated. He could slam the door in James' face, really show James what came of always ditching his friends, that maybe eventually they'd get sick of being second best and stop waiting around, but... but it was James.

So Kendall wordlessly opened the door.

Half an hour and ten fishsticks apiece later, it was like nothing had ever happened.

\--

James didn't do the play. Hockey practices got started. The afternoon before their first game, James got really aggressive on the ice. He was like a force of nature, like he wanted to destroy his own team as they practiced. Coach thought it was great.

Kendall knew something was wrong.

They were sitting out front of the rink, waiting for Mrs. Garcia to come pick them up, when James spat it out: "I broke up with Lauren."

"Seriously?" Carlos asked immediately.

"Yes, _seriously_." James gripped his duffle bag a little tighter. "She's been complaining since practices started that I spend too much time here. Like, what the hell did she think? For the show, I had rehearsals every day, for hockey, I practice every day. It was bullshit."

Kendall swallowed a whole mess of emotions and tried to lock down on the swelling feeling of victory in his gut. That really wasn't what James needed right now. So all he said was, "That really sucks, man. I know you liked her."

James gave him a sideways look, like he maybe had something to say about that, but he didn't. And Kendall let it drop.

\--

They won their first hockey game.

James started showing up on Thursday nights again.

The thing was, Kendall had to pretend _that_ didn't matter, too.

\--

Hockey kind of made them the most popular guys in ninth grade, especially when the team hit a winning streak. Maybe it was just as well that James had broken up with Lauren, because he had girls all over him all the time now. He went out with someone new every week, sometimes dragging the other guys along for double dates.

Even though James had at least one date every weekend, it was a relief. As long as James stayed fickle, Kendall didn't care.

\--

"You'll like her," James said, tossing a shirt at Kendall. "I promise. Now try that on."

"Why exactly are you making me do this?"

"Because it'll look good on you. And you'll want to look good for Shannon, okay, trust me. You'll really like her," James answered from inside his closet.

"Whatever," Kendall mumbled to himself. He'd agreed to go on this double date because James really liked the girl, and her cousin was visiting for the weekend, but then James had started going on and on about the cousin, apparently convinced she and Kendall were going to be soulmates or something. Like he was more excited for their date than his own. Hence making Kendall try on a dozen different outfits, so he could pick the one that would make the best first impression.

When they were finally dressed, James dragged Kendall off to where they were meeting the girls. James' date was a girl from the school chorus named Tanya, who was an adorable, tiny blond. She looked kind of ridiculous next to James, considering how tall he was, and she giggled at everything he said.

Shannon, on the other hand, was tall and... athletic, was the only word Kendall could think of for it. She was wearing jeans and a hoodie, she was slender and had long legs, and had kind of wavy brown hair pulled back in a ponytail.

They grabbed a booth in the restaurant James had picked, and Tanya leaned over to sniff a flower, set in a vase between the salt and pepper shakers. She sneezed, a high-pitched squeak like a mouse or something, and James beamed. "That is the cutest thing I have ever heard."

Shannon glanced at Kendall. "I don't sneeze like that."

"Thank god."

Across the table, James and Tanya cooed at each other. Shannon rolled her eyes. "Is she that bad in school?"

"I don't know about her, but he is."

She tapped her fingers against the table. "So Tanya said you're on the hockey team?"

"Yeah." Kendall grinned.

"Cool. I'm not great at hockey, but I watch a lot with my brother."

"Yeah? You got a favorite team?"

"We both live in Minnesota, right?" She gave him a look like she thought he was an idiot.

He laughed a little. "You catch the game last week?"

She nodded and they got so busy recapping the best parts of the game to each other that Kendall forgot to actually look at the menu until the waiter cleared his throat and rolled his eyes. Shannon laughed, and so did Kendall, and he thought that maybe James was right and he actually might really like Shannon.

Which was weird, because he was pretty sure he didn't like girls. He'd never felt more than friendly towards a girl, and he'd definitely never been as into any girl as he was into boys. Even the girls he'd dated, made out with, screwed around with... It was fine, he was fine with it, but it wasn't like he daydreamed about it. Not the way he daydreamed about toned biceps and broad shoulders.

But Shannon was great. She was funny and sporty and they liked all the same things. She was on her school's cross country and track teams, two counties over from them.

They walked from the restaurant to the movie theater. As soon as the lights went down, James and Tanya started making out, with an intensity and depth like he was trying to devour her tonsils. Shannon responded by grabbing a handful of popcorn and throwing it at them. Tanya shrieked and James glared, and Kendall ducked his head, laughing. Then it became a game. The movie wasn't very good, so they'd just wait for James and Tanya to start getting hot and heavy and then find interesting ways to break it up. Shannon managed to stretch and drop a handful of candy down Tanya's back. Kendall fished an ice cube out of his soda and got it down James' sock.

When the movie ended, James punched Kendall's shoulder hard enough that it was going to bruise, and Tanya dragged Shannon into the girls' room for a private chat that was loud enough for the whole theater to hear. Tanya and James both refused to speak to them as they waited for their families to pick them up, but that was surprisingly fine, because somehow he was holding Shannon's hand and it didn't feel too weird.

"So I actually had a great time," she said.

"Me too. Usually double dating with James is kinda... but you're really cool," Kendall said.

"We could do this again. I don't live _that_ far away." She took out her phone and offered it to him. "If you want?"

"Yeah, yeah." He put in his number. "We should... when you visit your cousin... it could be fun."

"Great." And as her ride pulled up to the curb, she kissed Kendall quickly, her cheeks bright red. Then she laughed and waved as she got in, and Kendall stared after her car, a little amazed.

"Dude, I can't believe you cockblocked me like..." James trailed off, then laughed. "Oh my god, you really like her. You've never made a face that stupid at a girl before."

"What? My face is not stupid!"

"It is so. I _told_ you you'd like her. Are you going out again?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, we are."

James grinned. "You're so getting married. I'd better be your best man."

"It was _one date,_ James." Kendall rolled his eyes. "She is cute, though."

James was singing _Here Comes the Bride_ when his mom pulled up to give them a ride home. Kendall shook his head. "Don't  
ask, Mrs. Diamond."

\--

Between school, hockey, work, and the distance, Kendall only got to see Shannon every few weeks, either when she came to visit Tanya or when Kendall bought a bus ticket. The weird thing was that it was kind of perfect. He didn't have to deal with having a girlfriend all the time, so it wasn't awkward and forced the way he'd felt with Lisa, but since he actually _had_ a girlfriend, he didn't have to worry about anyone wondering about him.

Even if he wondered about himself. Because when they were together, he and Shannon goofed off and had fun. They played video games and made fun of stupid movies and watched games together. She came to his hockey games and screamed curse words from the seats; he went jogging with her despite it being winter in Minnesota. Kendall's mom and Katie both really liked her, and Kendall was pretty sure her parents and brother liked him.

So it was good.

But they never did more than make out. She didn't push for it, and he didn't either, for the obvious reason. But after every date they'd kiss goodbye and he'd feel weirdly guilty about it. She was great, fun and pretty and just generally awesome, and he felt like he _should_ want more. If he was normal, he'd want more. He just... didn't.

\--

He brought Shannon with him to their end-of-hockey-season banquet. The season was great, and the banquet was kind of a big deal. Everyone actually dressed up and they gave out all kinds of awards and it was one of the best nights of the year.

Shannon looked a little awkward in her dress, and she wobbled on a pair of heels Kendall was willing to bet she'd borrowed from Tanya. "Don't you dare laugh at me," she hissed at him.

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said, grinning.

"Good. And don't kiss me. It took Tanya an hour to get my makeup right, you'll smudge something."

Kendall laughed.

"I told you not to laugh!" She punched his shoulder and he laughed harder.

"Sorry, sorry. It's just, you're..." He grinned and pulled out a chair for her. "You're really pretty, okay?"

"I look ridiculous. I don't _do_ dresses. I feel so stupid."

He looked her over again. Yes, she looked really awkward, but he actually thought that was cute. She was usually such a tomboy, which was probably why they got along, but she looked nice in her dress and make up, with her hair curled around her face. "No. Trust me. You don't look ridiculous," he murmured.

Her cheeks went a little pink. "Shut up." But she held his hand under the table while the awards were announced, and when he was given a trophy for the freshman who'd scored the most, she screamed just as loudly as James, Logan, and Carlos.

After dinner, Shannon suggested they take a walk. It was only mid-March, which meant it was still right around freezing out, but Kendall agreed. They both wore bulky winter coats, which looked ridiculous over their nice clothes. The lodge where the banquet was held was out in the country, surrounded by fields, so after only a few minutes of walking they had a gorgeous view of the night sky. Kendall put an arm around her and just stared up at it, amazed.

"Kendall?" she asked, voice barely a whisper.

"Hmm?"

"My mom's out of town next weekend, and my dad works all day Saturday... I was thinking, maybe... maybe you could come over? My brother is always off at a friend's house, so, um. We'd have the place to ourselves, you know?"

"Sure, sounds great," he said. Then what she'd said sank in. If they had the place to themselves, then...

Oh.

\--

Kendall absolutely did not freak out. He in no way at all panicked. Really. Especially not when James slid him a box of condoms and winked at him.

As promised, he and Shannon were alone. Which was fine at first. Totally normal. They played X-box on her couch, trash talking each other constantly, and when Kendall won one game too many, she cheated by tackling him into the couch cushions. Which was how nearly every single one of their make out sessions had started.

But this time it felt different, like the air was heavier around them, and he couldn't just roll with it and enjoy. He tried, though. He wrapped his arms around her and rolled over, reversing them on the couch, and he let her pull him close and run her hands down his back.

Then she nudged Kendall, pulling his shirt off. He let her do that, too, and sat back so she could remove her own. They'd gone this far before, even when she unlatched her bra. Kendall cupped her chest awkwardly, then pulled her back down against him. She slid her hands down again, undoing the button of his fly. He swallowed hard. "We don't have to... if you don't want to, you know, it's okay if you don't..."

"But I _do_ want to," she said, sounding way more confident than he felt. So he let her.

Then it was just her soft skin against his, their mouths, their hands. Kendall practically shook with nerves, not willing to say aloud that it was his first time even though it was probably pretty obvious. But at least he could get it up. That was his biggest worry, that when he was with her he wouldn't be able to, because he didn't want her, but maybe he _did_ want her because she was so awesome, he was just...

He was confused. Really fucking confused.

It wasn't exactly great. It was her first time, too, and she said it hurt a little. He was more scared than turned on, sure he was doing something wrong and she wasn't enjoying it, and the whole thing took a lot longer than he'd thought. Afterwards, with their clothing back on in case her brother came home, they just lay there, cuddled on the couch.

"Everything feels kinda different now," she said.

"Yeah," he agreed, and it did.

\--

Of course the guys all wanted details. Logan and Carlos wanted to live through him vicariously, and James was just nosy and smug about having introduced them. Kendall refused to say anything, though. He told them it was because he knew Shannon wouldn't want him to, but that wasn't it.

Really, it was just that thinking about it left him feeling guilty, almost sick. He liked Shannon a lot, he really did, but with every hour that passed, he was more and more sure that it had been a mistake. He knew what James had been like when he lost his virginity, after all. He wouldn't shut up about it, and he took every single chance he got to have sex after that. But Kendall was actually relieved that he and Shannon wouldn't be able to see each other for another couple weeks, and the thought of seeing her again just filled him with dread. What if she wanted to do it again? He... he didn't, not really, but he wanted to make her happy, and he knew he _should_ want to do it again, anyway. Worse, though, what if she didn't want to do it again? What if he'd done something wrong, or oh god, she _guessed_ about him and...

It kept him up at night. And he wasn't proud of it, but since it gnawed at him and made him a little ill every time she called or texted, he kind of avoided her for awhile. He told himself it was just for a few days, so he could figure out what he wanted, but time didn't help and felt worse about it than he'd ever felt about anything.

After a week and a half he finally answered her, apologized for being weird, and agreed to come see her as soon as he could. He knew he had to, even though he had no idea what he was going to say.

\--

It took two weeks for their schedules to line up. They met at the bus station and walked over to her place. They sat on the couch quietly, until finally she said, "Is everything okay? You've been... I mean..."

"Yeah," he said awkwardly. "Yeah, just, sorry. I've been pretty busy and... school and work and all."

"Okay." But she didn't sound like it was okay and yeah, Kendall was pretty sure he was scum. What kind of guy slept with a girl and then didn't call her for a week and a half? He had a momentary flash of his father, who he barely even remembered, and he winced.

He wasn't his father. He wouldn't be. Maybe he'd fucked this up, and he was definitely a horrible person, but he hadn't meant for it to all go wrong. And he knew what he had to do, suddenly.

Shaking a little, he said, "I think it was a mistake."

"You do?" Shannon stared at him, not needing to even ask what he meant. Her face fell and she looked like she might cry. "What? Why? Did I do something wrong, or... or..."

"No, no, I just." He grabbed her hand, glad they were home alone again. "It's stupid, but I... I think I... I just wasn't ready. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -- I don't know how to -- I'm sorry."

Shannon wiped at her eyes, not looking at him anymore. "So is that it, then? Are you dumping me?"

He hesitated, because his heart said _yes_ , said that was what he needed to do, but she was crying, and they'd slept together, and he couldn't. He just couldn't do that to her. So he shook his head and said, "No, no, I really like you."

She sniffed, silent, and he hated himself. But he knew that having sex again would make one mistake into a much bigger one, and he did really like her. He didn't want to hurt her any worse. And if they kept sleeping together, then... then he _would_ hurt her even more, because even though she was awesome, she could never be what he really wanted, and he'd never be able to tell her. He'd just have to lie, and lie, and lie.

He couldn't do that. Not to her.

Finally, she said, "I thought all guys wanted was... I thought it was what you wanted."

"I never meant for you to think that. I didn't mean to... I just... I like you, but..."

She wiped her eyes again, and oh god, she was actually crying now. "I knew something like this would happen. I'm so fucking stupid, I thought... I thought..."

"You're not stupid," Kendall said, reaching for her hand again. "This is my fault, I shouldn't have --"

"I know I'm not pretty, okay?" She pulled away from him. "Tanya said I'd never get a real boyfriend but I thought -- I thought you _liked_ \-- I'm so fucking stupid."

"No!" Now he grabbed both her hands, tugging her around to face him, desperate to make her feel better any way he could. "Shannon, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you think that I don't... I think you're beautiful. And you're the coolest girl I've ever met. I really, really like you. I just... we've only been together a few months and we barely see each other, I just didn't want to rush things. But  
I really _do_ like you. I really, really do."

She sniffed again. "I just thought it was what you'd want."

He put his arms around her, held her, and eventually she stopped crying and relaxed. And even though he was relieved, he also felt like the worst person in the world.

\--

They lasted two more months. They had fun together, but it was never as effortles and easy. Every time they so much as kissed, one or the other would jerk away guiltily. It just couldn't work. Kendall tried as hard as he could, desperate to be the best boyfriend he could to make up for how badly he'd screwed things up, and he'd have kept it up forever. So it was Shannon who finally ended it, putting the relationship out of its misery.

Kendall locked himself in his room for the whole weekend. His mom frowned, worried, and he suspected she was behind it when his friends broke into his room Sunday afternoon, ignoring the fact that his door was locked. They dragged him outside to play hockey in the yard, letting him work out all his anger and anxiety and everything else with a stick in his hand.

By the time they came inside for dinner, Kendall felt... well, not better, not really, but at least sure of one thing.

His friends were fucking awesome.

\--

James did the spring musical, but since he and Lauren still weren't on speaking terms, he never got quite as close with the theater kids again.

\--

Summer was great. Kendall convinced his mom that he was too old for Camp Wonky Donkey, and with Katie at a local day camp (very much against her will), he was free to pick up more hours at work. Even so, working didn't take up quite _all_ of his time. He had plenty to chill with the guys.

Then again, summer was also full of endless days of James tanning in the back yard, or next to the community pool. Kendall never let himself stare. He barely even let himself look.

But his occasional, accidental glances set his skin on fire in a way Shannon never had.

\--

School rolled around again. Tenth grade was basically exactly like ninth grade. Dull days passed as he waited for the hockey season, picked up as many shifts as he could so he could really start saving for college, and found new ways to get away with not doing any real homework.

Then, a few weeks after James' sixteenth birthday, Gustavo appeared.

Honestly, Kendall hadn't even realized he _knew_ the words to _Girl 2 My Heart_. It was all Stacy Sherwood's fault.

Kendall had gotten James the latest version of BioHazard Blast for his birthday, which was a pretty good present. But it had nothing on a trip to Hollywood to make his dream come true.


	4. Chapter 4

When Kendall bothered to think about it, it was pretty freaking ironic. He'd refused to do the musical last year because theater was too gay, and now he was in a boyband. A _boyband_. If high school drama was like the peewee hockey of being gay, boybands were the NHL.

But he'd made this happen for _James_ So even as they missed hockey practices getting started back home, it was worthwhile. Besides, it was kind of awesome: the Palm Woods was a luxury facility, after all, and getting to live with his best friends was a dream come true. And once he got used to it, the potential for fame and fortune wasn't so bad, either. With the record label paying their rent and expenses, Kendall saw his mom actually relax and have fun for the first time in years. Sure, taking care of them all kept her busy, but for the first time Kendall could remember, things weren't quite so tight for the family. James or no James, the boyband thing was worth it just for that.

Besides, Hollywood itself was kind of a... a revelation or something. Home in Minnesota, the only gay guy he'd ever met was Logan's flaming uncle. If there were others around, they were just as carefully closeted as Kendall himself. In Hollywood, that really wasn't the case. Half of the guys who worked in wardrobe or who choreographed for the band were gay -- and not all of them flaming, either, they were just sort of... out. Plus there were even some kids living at the Palm Woods who were semi-closeted because of their careers, but it was all the sort of open secret that everyone at the Palm Woods knew about and they didn't deny it if anyone asked.

It was different. And kind of great. Because even though he was in a boyband, he didn't feel like anyone at the Palm Woods was squinting at him, wondering what he really was inside. Everyone at the Palm Woods was flamboyant in their own way: Tyler's need to hide from his mom, Camille's... everything, really; the Jennifers and Guitar Dude and everyone else. They were all so over the top that no one could possibly be out of place, gay or straight.

Occasionally, in their first few weeks in California, Kendall thought about just getting it over with and telling everyone. His friends all loved him; he knew they'd be fine with it. But... but if he told them, even if they were fine with it, they might start wondering and thinking about it and it wouldn't take too long for them to realize that the first half of the confession was, "I'm gay," but the second half was, "and I'm in love with James."

The idea of them knowing that -- the idea of _James_ knowing that -- filled him with a cold dread that kept him awake at night. So even though he finally felt a little relaxed, he kept his mouth shut.

\--

Kendall was pretty good at going with the flow, but there was no way he could have prepared himself for Jo.

\--

It started off as just competition. Kendall was good at faking straight, knowing how to act girl crazy to fit in with his friends, and when everyone was totally hot for Jo, he was pretty sure he could show them all up. Even after she rejected them all, he couldn't let it go, which was how he ended up catching her in her lie. But he'd had so much fun doing it that he wanted to hang out with her anyway.

Then James and Carlos went crazy with their party, and he and Jo kind of had to save the day, and he realized just how clever and awesome she was. Even though they had nothing in common, and she didn't even like hockey, he had a better time with her than he'd had with anyone except the guys. He really liked hanging out with her. He really liked her, period.

So there it was. The same stupid confusion he'd felt with Shannon, because his brain told him one thing (Jo was awesome) but his body told him something else (boys were hot) and his heart... he mostly tried to ignore that.

So it was a huge relief, after the school dance, when she took his hand and said, "I don't want you getting any ideas."

"Hmm?"

"Now that we're officially dating. It's not like I'm saving myself for marriage or anything, but I _am_ waiting until I fall in love. And I like you, but I'm not in love with you.."

Oh. Kendall smiled. That was actually a huge, huge relief, but he had learned enough from the debacle with Shannon not to say so. Instead, he just held her hand and said, "That's cool. I respect that. Besides, you've got a black belt in judo. You'd kick my butt if I didn't."

"Darn right I would."

But the way she smiled at him when she said it made something tiny spark inside him.

\--

The album was amazing. His first kiss with Jo, while bittersweet, was amazing. And maybe when something long-broken inside of Kendall started to heal a little bit, seeing Gustavo on his doorstep, that might have been amazing, too.

But none of it, not even their eventual tour, was as amazing as the relief, the way all kinds of desperation and despair vanished in a heartbeat, when James stepped into the studio, singing and smirking, or as when he hugged Kendall a moment later.

\--

Kendall had always been a little bit jealous, so frankly the fact that he never _did_ punch Jett Stetson in his stupid, smug, annoyingly attractive face was impressive.

And the fact that he couldn't keep from noticing that James still flirted with anything in a skirt, but he didn't let it piss him off, was impressive too.

And the fact that James and Logan seemed to suddenly get closer to each other, somehow drawn to each other despite the fact that James kissed Camille, but Kendall didn't freak out about it -- well, not much, and only in the confines of his own head -- that was definitely impressive.

\--

His relationship with Jo wasn't like his friendship with James. He could never look back and put a finger on the moment it changed, the moment he stopped thinking of her as a girl who happened to be his girlfriend, but who he mostly just liked hanging out with, to suddenly loving her. It must have been gradual, but it was warm, and it felt nice. He liked being close to her, he liked kissing her, he just... really liked her. And he wondered, if he and Shannon had just waited and taken it slow, avoided the disaster of sex and its aftermath, if maybe he'd have been able to fall for her eventually, too.

Sometimes, in his rare moments alone, he wondered if maybe he wasn't gay. Maybe he'd just needed to meet the right girl, and now he had, and he could finally relax and enjoy being normal.

Then he'd see James with a fresh hickey on his neck, or James and Logan bent over homework together, or James working out in an undershirt, toned muscles bulging, and he'd know that whatever he was, it sure wasn't straight.

\--

If he teased James and Logan mercilessly about prom, well, who could blame him? Mocking them was a lot easier than thinking about James dancing with Logan. Logan, who was a boy. Who was James' best friend.

If he was a little snippy with Logan for a few days, who could blame him for that, either?

\--

Jo got the audition of a lifetime.

Jo got the _offer_ of a lifetime.

Kendall wanted her to do it. He did. He loved her, even if he couldn't say so out loud, and he wanted her to be happy more than anything.

She didn't say it, either, but when he asked what she wanted to do with their last day together, she reached for him and kissed him gently.

It was still awkward. It was her very first time, and only his second, and a distant part of him worried that it was wrong to do this with her leaving. He wanted her to stay, wanted to be with her forever, to make her feel like this again and again.

But he didn't regret it, this time.

\--

It said something about how much he loved her that when he crumpled after her flight took off, he barely felt it when James wrapped him in a hug. He barely cared when James did everything possible to make him feel better.

But somehow, the fact that his friends really needed him helped. At least, it helped a little. So Kendall snapped out of it, eventually.

And at least heartbreak was a pretty good excuse for him to stop caring about girls _or_ boys for awhile.


	5. Chapter 5

  
Kendall liked Lucy a lot, but he wasn't sure he could ever forgive her for calling Big Time Rush cute. Then Jett Stetson swaggered up to her, just like half the guys at the Palm Woods had, and declared, "Hey, baby, must be your lucky day -- you're going out with me tonight."

And Lucy laughed. In his face.

Then, when he just stared at her, she said, "Oh my god, you were serious? You thought that would work?" and laughed even harder as she walked away.

That was the moment Kendall decided he not only forgave her, he might actually love her a little bit. Platonically, but still.

\--

Kendall could kind of play guitar, a little. Basically. Guitar Dude had tried to show him some, but he was always pretty stoned and Kendall found that too frustrating. He'd asked Gustavo, but they'd only gotten about five minutes into a lesson before Gustavo had smashed his guitar into the wall and Kendall stormed out yelling, so that was a bust.

When he told Lucy about that, she laughed, then handed him one of her fifteen guitars and told him to go for it. She showed him a few more chords, corrected him when he screwed up (a little bit condescendingly, but still), and let him hang out in her place and practice.

They hung out as a group a lot, with him and the guys and her and Camille all squished into her apartment but thanks to the semi-official guitar lessons, they also hung out just the two of them. Kendall heard plenty of rumors that they were dating and just rolled his eyes. He still missed Jo like crazy, and Lucy never said much about it but she had just gotten out of something, too. They were just friends who could chill out together and the whole boy-girl thing didn't matter at all.

Or at least, Kendall thought it didn't. Until Lucy said one afternoon, "I really, really, really hate to ask you this, it's so stupid, but I kind of need a favor, if you can help me."

Kendall looked up from the chord progression he'd been practicing, strumming the same thing over and over until he didn't need to look down for the changes, and said, "Sure, anything I can do. What...?"

She scowled a little. "There's this stupid rock charity event... thing. I'm supposed to go, you know, represent the youth." She made the devil horns rock'n'roll symbol with her hand. "Anyway, I need someone to do the red carpet thing with me. And normally I'd look for someone a little more hardcore than a boyband front man --"

"Hey!"

"But if I ask anyone else around here, I'll have to deal with everyone acting like idiots. So if you don't mind doing it... And it's just as friends, obviously."

"Obviously," he repeated, because it was funny. It really did feel obvious. Lucy was great, but he couldn't picture dating her -- or her wanting to date him, for that matter. "But sure, I guess I could do that."

"Thanks." She flashed him a quick smile, a rare occurrence, since Lucy Stone was not exactly known for showing her pearly whites. "I know it's a big deal. You're not over Jo yet, and everyone will think..."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I should email her, give her a heads up. I mean, not that she'd be upset or anything, but..." But he'd seen pictures of Jo with her arms around her costar and it had hurt, even though they were just acting.

"Yeah, probably a good idea. You can tell her I'm gay, if it'll make her feel better."

Kendall started to laugh at that, but froze. It didn't sound like Lucy was joking. He turned to stare at her, feeling his mouth drop open, but he wasn't quite able to will it closed.

"Kendall?" she asked.

He swallowed, which at least meant getting his mouth shut. Then he said, "You are?"

"Uh, yeah? Why, is that a problem?"

"No! No, no, no problem. It's not a problem, why would it be a problem?"

"If it's not a problem, why are you babbling like an idiot?"

"That is a really fair question." He swallowed again. "Um. I just didn't realize... but it's no big deal, I mean, this is Hollywood, right? Practically everyone's gay."

"Yeah, sure," she laughed. "Even you?"

"Even..." His jaw dropped again, and this time she stared at _him_. Her eyes went wide, bright white circles rimmed by dark liner. "How did you _know_?" he demanded, voice cracking.

"You mean you _are?_ I was just joking! You -- but you dated Jo for a year! You... holy, Kendall, seriously?"

He nodded.

"So Jo was like... a beard?"

"No! No, she... I love her. But it's complicated. And confusing. Please don't tell anyone." He clasped his hands together, begging outright. "Please?"

"Of course I won't. But... your friends know, right? Your mom?"

He shook his head.

"Then who does... oh my god, I'm the first person? Jesus." Lucy leaned back on the couch, sounding about as overwhelmed as Kendall felt. "How have you kept something like this a secret? I don't tell many people about me, but it's not like..."

"We're from a really small town," Kendall said. "I play hockey. It just... wasn't an option, okay? Telling people is not an option. And there was Jo, anyway, and I loved her, and we... it could have worked. I wanted it to work."

He recognized the look Lucy gave him: pity. He hadn't gotten it for a long time, years, probably. Since he was six and his mom was pregnant and his dad vanished off the face of the planet. She didn't say it, though, which was nice of her. Kendall knew he was ignoring a layer of truth about his relationship with Jo, that tiny part of him was grateful they'd had no choice but to break up, but he really didn't want to dwell on that

"I'll keep your secret," Lucy promised. "And it's kind of perfect. My label doesn't want me to be out, and I'm not ready to come out publicly anyway, and all the guys here have been driving me crazy. So if you're... if everyone thinks we're dating, neither one of us has to worry about it."

"So this isn't just about the red carpet thing. You want to fake date," Kendall realized.

Lucy shrugged. "It works out for both of us... _And_ getting seen with me will lend your cute little band some real musical cred."

If she'd been one of the guys, Kendall would have tackled her. She wasn't, though, so the most he could do was flip her off. She just laughed and said, "I'll take that as a yes."

\--

Kendall wasn't exactly in love with the idea of fake dating. It was a little too Jett Stetson for him. But he'd been willing to go with Lucy as just friends, and it would be good for the band, and it _would_ be kind of nice not to have to worry about people figuring him out for awhile. It would give him some breathing room so he could decide if maybe he _did_ want to come out or something.

He raided Rocque Records' wardrobe for something to wear to the event. He was supposed to be a bad boy, after all, and he thought he looked pretty good in dark-wash jeans and a leather jacket. Maybe not as badass as Lucy, but not quite as squeaky clean as he'd always looked with Jo.

The cameras flashed at them as they walked in. Kendall stood a step or two behind her the whole way, letting Lucy take the spotlight, since it was her night. Except that as they neared the end, she pulled him closer and let the cameras get a few shots of the two of them leaning in towards each other, looking like a couple.

Kendall knew instinctively that would be the shot on the gossip sites. Gustavo would love it.

Inside, they found their seats. Lucy's bit was about halfway through the show, so for a while Kendall sat awkwardly next to a seat warmer -- but when Lucy finished up, he whistled and cheered and realized that there were probably cameras on that, too.

All in all, it was a pretty nice night. Lucy slid up next to Kendall in the limo on the way home, and he chuckled to himself. If they were a real couple, he'd be freaking out over needing to kiss her, over whether they could make out without it leading to other things, about liking her but not _wanting_ other things ... Instead, they was just friends hanging out, with no worries about personal space.

 _Really_ no worries about that, apparently. Lucy slid her hand into Kendall's pocket, and as his eyes bugged out, she grabbed his phone and pulled it out. "Your face is hilarious," she informed him, scrolling through his contacts. She dialed someone, then: "Hey. Nope, it's Lucy. Could you do me and Kendall a teeny, tiny favor?"

"Who?" Kendall mouthed at her.

"James," she mouthed back, then, "Yeah, uh, show went great, and I kind of want to celebrate so I thought I might drag him back to my place, get him drunk, and take advantage of him. Can you make sure his mommy doesn't find out?"

" _What_?" Kendall squawked, as she started laughing.

"Thanks! Don't wait up for him." She ended the call and dropped the phone on his lap. "Seriously, your face. Hilarious."

"Why did you -- what the -- Lucy!"

"Have I got some 'splaining to do?" She smirked. "Look, if you're fake dating me, you're also fake sleeping with me. I know Jo was all virginal and pure, but I'm kind of... not that. Besides, I _am_ going to get you drunk and take advantage of you."

"For what?" Since it couldn't be what it sounded like. She smirked at him.

"I need someone tall to change a lightbulb for me. If you'd rather, you can do that _before_ we get drunk."

He laughed. This was, without a doubt, the weirdest friendship he'd ever had.

\--

Kendall was past buzzed and almost all the way to drunk when Lucy said, "So you really never told anyone?"

"Nope," Kendall admitted.

"Yeah, but... your mom is great. I don't get why you didn't tell your family."

"My mom..." Kendall frowned a little. He wanted to tell his mom. He did. He just hated the idea that maybe he wasn't exactly the son she'd wanted. His mom had already been through so much, and she'd worked so hard for so many years, and she deserved a perfect life and a perfect family. All he could manage was, "I just can't."

"Okaaaaay. What about your friends? Why can't you tell them?"

"'Cause then they'd _know_. Duh."

"Silly me." She paused to mix another drink, a rum and coke that was probably more rum than strictly necessary, and handed it to him. "So what's the big deal if they know? They're cool guys."

"Yeah, they are." He sloshed down most of the drink. "Can't tell 'em, though."

"Why not? What would happen if they knew?"

"If they knew... if they knew..." He shook his head a little. The world spun around him in large, loping circles. "It would just be too much. I don't wanna make things... I mean... it's weird, right? It's weird."

"What's weird, being gay?"

"No, just... liking boys."

Lucy gave him that you're-such-an-idiot look again and said, "Whatever's going through your brain right now, spit it out. I told _you_ about _me,_ and we're friends. You can trust me."

He hesitated, drunk but maybe not drunk enough. Because he did want to trust her, he wanted to be able to say out loud things he'd barley allowed himself to think, but... but saying them would make them _real_ and it was already kind of too weird that she knew he was gay at all. But maybe it was good that she knew. It felt kind of good, having someone who knew.

So he finished his drink, tried to set his cup down on the table, missed, and collapsed sideways on the couch, laughing.

"Kendall?" she prompted, picking up his cup.

"It's James," he slurred. "I'm in love with James."

Her eyes went wide. "Oh."

"'S weird, right?"

"Hang on." She made her way to the kitchenette, walking carefully, and poured an enormous glass of water. Then she pressed it into his hand, careful to make sure he didn't drop it or fall over again, and said, "Drink this. You need to sober up so I can make fun of you forever."

"What? But I -- I trusted you!"

"Drink," she urged, then, "and I said I'm going to make fun of you, not I'm going to run out and tell James. Jesus. How long have you felt that way?"

"Dunno. Maybe forever. _Feels_ like forever. He's just so... he's... he's _James_. You know? He can sing, an' he's... _tall_."

Lucy cracked up, landing on the couch herself and laughing into Kendall's shoulder. "He's tall? You're in love with him because he's _tall_?"

"No," Kendall said. And maybe he pouted. "But he _is_ tall. An' good at hockey. _Great_ at hockey."

Lucy sat up and nudged Kendall to start drinking his water again. "This is kind of adorable. Have you thought about telling him how you feel?"

It was Kendall's turn to use the you're-such-an-idiot expression. " _Can't_. He'd... he doesn't... I just can't. And you promised you wouldn't tell. You promised."

"Yeah." She nudged him to drink again. "I promised. Your secret's safe with me, Kendall."

The last thing he remembered that night was Lucy curling up next to him on the couch, legs tucked up underneath her, her head on his shoulder.

\--

He woke up with his mouth dry and gross, his head a little achy, and found Lucy making breakfast in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of boxers. She looked a lot less intimidating like that, with no makeup or anything. He sat up, his back stiff, and realized at some point she'd pulled the couch out into a bed. Since it was a tiny studio apartment, that was the _only_ bed. Judging by the way the covers were pulled back on the other side, they'd slept together. Like, _actually_ slept.

That was hilarious.

"Go shower. There's Tylenol in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, and a change of clothes waiting for you," she ordered, as soon as he sat up. "Carlos smuggled them up here and James and Logan convinced your mom she'd just missed you coming in last night, and now she thinks you got up super early for a school science trip or something."

"That was Logan's idea, wasn't it?"

"I didn't ask. Anyway, you've got about half an hour before she starts getting suspicious."

He rolled off the bed and said, "Thanks. Uh, about last night..."

"We can talk about your embarrassing crush over eggs and bacon in a few minutes. By the way, you're totally a sheet-snatcher. Go shower."

Kendall did as he was told. The shower left him a lot more awake and coherent, and his head started to settle a little. He paused, staring at himself in the mirror, his hair damp and his chin a stubbly. He sighed. He looked exhausted, and he felt...

Weird. Lucy _knew_. But it actually was kind of a relief. Now at least he had one person he didn't have to pretend around. And... and maybe she even understood a little.

He toweled his hair dry and walked out to find Lucy sitting at the kitchenette, digging into breakfast, with a second plate set out for him. He gave her a slight smirk. "So do you always cook a guy breakfast after having fake sex with him?"

"I was hungry and it seemed rude to just throw you out. How do you feel?"

"Fine. Maybe kind of embarrassed."

"You did explain to me in great detail about James' tallness." She threw him an amused look. "Apparently he's two inches taller than you. Which used to piss you off because you used to be the tallest, but now you like it. You think two inches is the perfect height difference." She propped her chin up in her hand. "Do you want me to go on? _You_ did."

"I don't really remember all of that," he said. "I know I said he was tall, but then the world went kind of... spinny. Why _exactly_ did you get me drunk?"

"I was curious. People let their guard down more when they've had a drink or two and I wanted to know why you thought coming out wasn't an option."

"Well? You get it now?"

"Not really. I mean, yes, I get it with the guys and James being so tall and all." She smirked again, then took a bite of her eggs. "But still, you should tell your mom. She seems really great."

"She is," Kendall said. "That's why I... I mean, I know she'll be fine, I just... I don't want her to be disappointed."

"Why would she be disappointed?"

He glanced up at her. "What do you think?"

Lucy's grip tightened around her fork. "Look, I get it. You're freaked out, and this is a big deal. I've been there, done that. Check out my t-shirt."

He glanced down at the t-shirt she'd used for pajamas. It did actually say "lesbian" in graffiti-style letters. "Don't know how I missed that before."

"My older sister made this for me, actually. To show me she was cool with everything."

Kendall considered that. "That's cool. So your whole family was just... fine with it?"

"Eventually. Look, I'm not saying it's easy or that it won't be at all awkward, but I didn't regret it. And I know you feel like you're protecting you mom, because obviously that's just what you _do_ , but what are you protecting her from? Yourself?"

Kendall stared down at his eggs. It was something like that, yeah. He hated the idea of disappointing her, but it was more selfish than that. He hated the idea of her being disappointed in _him_. He'd never been able to handle it, even when she didn't say anything. She just got that _look_ , like she expected more from him, knew he could be better if he tried hard enough.

But this was something he couldn't change, he couldn't _fix_. If his mom gave him that look over this, nothing could make it right.

Then again, he _couldn't_ change this. And he didn't want to lie for his whole life.

"Just think about it," Lucy said.

"I will," he promised.

\--

When Kendall walked into 2J, the other guys actually all applauded. He looked around to make sure his mom wasn't there, then rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah, yeah, get it out of your systems."

"Seriously, man, I don't know why Lucy would want you when she could have me," James gestured at his pretty face, "but wow. Way to go, she is _hot_."

Kendall chewed on the inside of his cheek, not sure how to respond. Finally, he just shrugged. Lucy _was_ pretty hot. It just  
felt weird to get congratulated for something that hadn't actually happened. "Okay, well, thanks for covering for me. I'm gonna make some coffee --"

"I don't think so," Logan interrupted. "According to the Covered For Your Drunk Ass Code, you now owe us every single detail."

"I'm pretty sure that's not a real code," Kendall said.

"Well, it _should_ be." Logan, Carlos, and James crossed their arms in unison.

Kendall laughed awkwardly. Lucy wanted everyone to think they were doing it, but he didn't really want to lie outright. "Look, guys, I don't really think she'd appreciate me sharing all the details, okay?"

"At least give us something," Carlos demanded. "Seriously. We know you had blue balls with Jo for a year --"

"Hey!"

"-- and you never said a thing about Shannon, but come _on_. Give us something."

He floundered. Then, "Uh. Well. She sleeps in an old t-shirt?"

The guys exchanged looks and all nodded a little. "Not bad... More?" James prompted.

"Look, guys, it's really none of your business, so..."

"Kendall Knight, are you defending my _honor_?"

Kendall spun to see Lucy in the doorway, Camille behind her. They let themselves in and Camille helped herself to the couch, somehow settling into the sliver of space between James and Logan. Kendall gave Lucy an apologetic look. "Just... just explaining about how last night, uh..."

Lucy snaked an arm around his waist. "How last night you finally proved to me that you really can rock a girl's world?"

"I wasn't saying that," Kendall objected quickly, not wanting to let their fake dating snowball into a series of even bigger lies.

Maybe she got that, because she threw her head back and laughed, then said, "You are the cutest, Kendall. But seriously, guys, fuck off, what he and I do is none of your business."

Camille cocked her head. "You'll tell me, though, right? I mean, that's the Girl Code."

"Yeah, yeah." Lucy rolled her eyes.

"Oh, that is _so_ not fair," Logan grumbled.

Kendall chuckled. "Do you want some more coffee?"

"He spends the whole night _and_ he makes coffee. I might be in love." She waved him towards the kitchen. He made his way over, relieved. Lucy was kind of terrifying, so the guys would take her not wanting to talk about it more seriously than they'd take him. And since now they'd have plenty of assumptions to run on, they wouldn't bug him, either. So yeah, it was a lie, but at least he wouldn't have to do anything else, except spend time with Lucy. Which he would do anyway.

"Coffee for me, too, please?" Camille asked, twisting around on the couch and batting her eyelashes at him.

"Anyone else?" Kendall offered, grabbing the coffeepot. He glanced back at his friends, and blinked, seeing Lucy. Who wasn't looking at him. Her gaze was fixed on Camille, still twisted around on the couch, sweeping down Camille's body and focused at where the curve of her skirt showed off her hips.

Now _that_ was interesting.

\--

Kendall was right: photos of him and Lucy hit the gossip blogs, and halfway through the day Annie Winters from Pop Tiger called and said was slipping in a picture of Kendall and Lucy for their Cutest Couples feature. Gustavo did a victory dance, which just made everyone uncomfortable.

Actually, the whole thing made Kendall a little uncomfortable. He hadn't thought the fake dating thing would be a big deal -- it would get annoying guys off her back, it would keep anyone from looking at him too closely. But...

"It's lying," Kendall said, one of Lucy's guitars in hand, but he hadn't even sat down yet.

"Yeah, that was kind of the whole point," Lucy said. "We both pretend to be straight in public, so no one bothers us and we can _have_ private lives."

He thought about the way she'd looked at Camille and raised his eyebrows. "So do you have a private life you're not telling me about? You know all about my crush."

"Nope."

"Really? So you _weren't_ staring at Camille's ass this morning?"

Lucy grabbed the guitar from his hands. "Don't make me hit you with this."

"I was _right_ ," Kendall laughed. "Wow, you totally want Camille. So do you _like_ her, or is this just pure lust? She is pretty."

Lucy set the guitar down and crossed her arms. "Shut up."

"Come on. You know all about how James is tall..."

Lucy actually laughed. "Okay, okay, fine. Yes. Camille is... she's pretty. And she's... I don't know, just, _awesome_."

Kendall nodded.

"And she's fun," Lucy said. "We always have a great time hanging out, and sometimes I think... but she's still hung up on your asshole friend."

"Logan is not an asshole." Kendall crossed his arms.

"He is to her." Lucy set down the guitar and crossed her arms right back. "Logan's an asshole because he doesn't want her but he won't let her move on and be happy with someone else."

"You mean with you." Kendall narrowed his eyes a little. He liked Lucy, he really did, but no one got to talk that way about his guys. A few weeks of friendship and a night of fake dating weren't nearly equal to a lifetime with his best friends.

"I mean with anyone. You know Steve dumped her the day after prom, right? I got to hear all about that." Lucy matched Kendall glare for glare. "She really liked him, maybe because he wasn't a _crazy person_ like everyone else around here. But she let Logan totally screw her, and yeah, that's on her, but then again, he's the one who wanted to sabotage her date, so he's an asshole."

"No, he's not. He doesn't know what he wants, okay, so he screwed up --"

"He _keeps_ screwing up. She shouldn't have to wait around until he's made up his mind. She's wasting her time on him --"

"Then that's her problem --"

"I'm not saying it's not. But it doesn't change the fact that he's stringing her along, and that's not okay. Just because he's your friend doesn't make him perfect."

"Of course he's not perfect, he's _Logan_. But he's not an asshole."

"Whatever."

"What do you mean, whatever?"

"I mean -- look. Okay, he's your friend, I get that you're defending him, but you're also not exactly objective. So fine, _whatever_." Lucy stomped the three steps into the kitchenette.

" _I'm_ not objective? You're the one who's got a thing for Camille, so yeah, I'm totally sure your views on her boyfriend are _completely_ fair."

"He's not her boyfriend anymore, just a jerk who's stringing her along," Lucy snapped.

"You know she's the one who cheated on _him_ , right? If she'd kept her tongue in her own mouth, they wouldn't have broken up  
in the first place!"

"Ha!" Lucy actually yelled it, she didn't laugh. "If _she'd_...? It takes two to tango, or have you conveniently forgotten that the really tall guy you're in love with was involved there, too?"

"James didn't --"

"He did. He kissed his best friend's girlfriend. So don't act like your boys are perfect, Kendall, because they're not, and _you're_ not."

Kendall swallowed hard, one of his hands clenching into a fist, the same feeling of rage that sometimes took over starting to spread through his body. Not that he could do much of anything, Lucy was a _girl_ , and he knew he wasn't perfect. He'd never thought he was. But she obviously had something to say on the matter, so through clenched teeth, he managed, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You act like you love them, like all you want is to protect them -- your guys, your sister, your mom. Everyone. But you won't even tell them the truth about yourself."

"Maybe I'm just not ready," he said, voice tight.

"Bullshit, you aren't."

"I --"

"Seriously." Lucy stared him down. "Look me in the eye, and tell me that's it. Tell me it's 100% that you're just not ready and I won't say another word about it, or about Logan, or anything else. Go for it."

He caught her gaze, mouth open to do it.

But.

 _Fuck_. He hated lying. He looked away. "It's not that easy," he muttered instead.

"No, it's not. I _know_ it's not. My parents -- my parents kind of flipped. _But_ ," she plowed on, ignoring the way he looked up to stare at her, "they got over it. And it sucked, okay, it fucking _sucked_ the way it took them awhile to get used to it, but you know what sucked worse? The seventeen and a half years I spent thinking there was something wrong with me. There's not. And there's nothing wrong with you. And for all your big, tough guy, hockey player act, you're just scared."

"I'm not scared of anything," Kendall snarled at her, and stomped out.

\--

Kendall stormed into 2J, fuming, needing to punch a wall or attack something with a hockey stick or _something_ , because god damn it. God damn _Lucy_ , because it was none of her fucking business.

His mother was pulling laundry off the line in the living room. Seeing her hit Kendall like a punch to the gut and he stopped short.

"Oh, hi, honey," she said, shooting him a smile, but it was quickly followed by, "Is everything okay?"

He made his decision in a split second, like he was on the ice and the game was riding on him making a perfect shot. His shook his head no and said, too quickly to let himself chicken out, "Mom, I need to tell you something, and I don't know if you're going to freak out, so I'm just going to say it." He let himself take one breath. "I'm gay."

His mom pulled a pair of pants off the line. "Oh. Well, thank you for telling me."

He blinked a couple of times. "I don't know if you heard me right. Mom, I'm... I... I'm telling you I'm _gay_."

She looked at him for a long moment, then set down her laundry basket, moved to sit on the couch, and patted the cushion next to her. A little shocked and still riding the adrenaline high of screaming and then _telling_ , Kendall stumbled over and sat.

His mom kissed the top of his head. "Are you okay? You seem very upset."

"I'm not --" He _was_ upset, though. Not that it mattered, because being pissed at Lucy had nothing to do with this. So he said it again: "Mom, I'm _gay_."

She nodded.

"I'm not kidding! I know I dated girls and all, but I wasn't -- I was confused and -- I'm _really_ gay."

She nodded again. "Yes, honey. I know. I've wondered since you were six.

He stared at her. "You... but... _why?_ I didn't -- you _couldn't_ know because I -- I didn't..."

  
"When you were six, you told me you wanted to marry Wayne Gretzky."

"What?" Kendall stared at her. "No! I told you that _you_ should marry Wayne Gretzky, I remember that."

"Mm-hmm. And when I said I didn't want to get remarried, you told me that when you grew up, _you'd_ marry him instead, which would be even better." She raised her eyebrows.

He gaped. "I don't remember that part. But I was just a kid..."

"I know. And I didn't _know_ , I just... I thought it might be something you'd struggle with. Figuring that kind of thing out is part of growing up, and I know it's not easy." She wrapped an arm around him. "I can pretend to be shocked if you'll feel better, though."

" _Mom_..." But he didn't know what to say, so he leaned into her a little bit. And it felt nice, sitting there with his mother. With her knowing. "You're not upset?"

"Of course not."

"You're not... you're not disappointed in me?"

"Kendall Donald Knight." She shifted a little bit, so she was looking straight at him. "You are healthy, you are smart, and you are kind. You care about the people in your life and you never do anything half-heartedly. I am the luckiest mom in the world, and I love you. As long as you're happy, how could I be disappointed?"

He blinked a few times, emotion welling up in his chest and something else welling up in his eyes, and she hugged him again. "Thanks, Mom," he murmured.

\--

Kendall saw Lucy in the lobby that night, when he was on his way out with the guys and she was coming in. They stopped and glared at each other for a moment, then walked by one another without stopping or speaking. As the guys piled into the limo Gustavo had sent to ferry them to some event, James asked, "What was that about?"

"What?" Kendall snapped.

"You pretending Lucy doesn't exist? Lucy giving you the nastiest look I've ever seen?"

"Yeah," Carlos said. "Shouldn't you two be all cuddly and, like, honeymoon-y?"

"Was the sex bad?" James guessed.

"What? No, we -- it was -- ught." Kendall fell back against the leather, eyes shut. "She's not talking to me. Whatever. It doesn't matter."

He could practically hear the looks they exchanged. "You got in a fight?" Logan guessed.

"I don't want to talk about it."

There was another long quiet, then, "Best Friends Tell Each Other Everything Code," from James. "You _have_ to tell us."

"You did seem pissed off all day," Carlos mused.

"Yeah, come on," Logan interrupted. "Just tell us."

Yeah. Like Kendall even _could_ do that. He was glad his mom knew -- really glad, actually, it felt kind of amazing, but it also still felt pretty raw. And if he told them, they might guess about his James thing and... No. No.

So instead of explaining things, he just said, "Whatever, it was some... girl thing. Why are girls all so crazy?"

"You're telling me," Logan said. "Try dating Camille for awhile."

Which was another thing. Kendall opened his eyes and peered at Logan. "Maybe _you_ should try dating her for awhile."

"Huh?"

"If you like Camille. Just tell her and then... just ask her out or something."

"I can't just --"

"Then let her go and stop going insane every time she goes out with anyone," Kendall said, and smacked the back of his head. "You're kind of being a jerk to her."

Logan turned a little red, sputtering like he might explode. Kendall braced himself, but instead, Logan deflated, whatever anger he'd had turning inward. "Yeah, I know. I just... she's... What if no one ever likes me that much again?"

"Seriously?" Carlos demanded, and smacked Logan's arm. "I've _never even had a girlfriend_ , and you're worried about  
that?"

Logan smacked him back. "You don't know what it's like to _lose_ a girlfriend!"

"Oh, please." Kendall shook his head. "You know the whole time I was upset about losing Jo in an instant, you barely said a word about Camille."

Logan scowled. "But Camille... she... yeah. I don't know. I _do_ want her to be happy, but every time I see her with another guy, I lose my mind or something. She makes me stupid and I'm not... I'm not used to being stupid."

James gave him a sympathetic look but didn't say anything, which Kendall thought was for the best, when it came to discussing Camille. Carlos threw an arm around Logan, though, and said, "Don't worry, _I'm_ used to it. We can be stupid about girls together and eventually we'll meet girls who are stupid about us, too. Right?"

Logan sighed. "Yeah, I guess. Right."

Carlos grinned at him and Kendall smiled a little. Because maybe Lucy wasn't totally wrong, and Logan _had_ been kind of a jerk, but she also wasn't right. Logan wasn't an asshole, especially not to people he cared about.

\--

Kendall continued to ignore Lucy every time he saw her in passing for two days. His temper had cooled off and he was actually pretty glad he'd told his mom, but she'd still been a huge jerk about it. But maybe she knew that, because he was about to head down to the lobby and she was already in the elevator when it arrived. He hesitated and the door started to slide shut, but her arm snaked out and stopped it.

He took that as an invitation and stepped in silently.

Then, just before the door opened at the lobby, she said, "I shouldn't have pushed you --" at the same time he said, "I told my mom."

They stared at each other and the door opened.

"Did it go okay?" she asked.

He nodded.

That was all. They both walked out, not really looking at each other.

\--

The next day, in the middle of a game of lobby hockey, James slammed into Kendall hard enough to send him sprawling into and then across Bitters' desk, taking a giant stack of paperwork and a bowl of plastic fruit with him. He stood up, ready to hop over the desk and get back into the thick of things, but found Lucy standing idly next to the goal instead, the game sort of frozen in progress around her.

"Um, hey," he said, pulling off his helmet, completely unsure if he was still mad at her or she was still mad at him or what.

"Nice uniform. You've got a little..." She wiped at her lip with her thumb. Kendall mirrored the gesture and hey, look at that, he was bleeding.

"Oh." He wiped his lip off. "You know, hockey. Violent."

"So I saw." She glanced at the mess that had been Bitters' desk. "So I was thinking. My place, tonight?"

Across the lobby, Carlos yelled, "Yeah, get some!"

Kendall shot Carlos his best bitchface, then turned back to Lucy. "I, uh, actually already had plans with the guys..." Because it was Friday, and no girl was cool enough to ditch Fishstick Friday for.

Lucy looked over at the other guys, then shrugged. "Okay, well... if you change your mind, I'm around." And she sauntered off.

So apparently they were still fake dating.

"Dude." James came up behind him, clapped him on the shoulder. "We appreciate you not ditching us and all, but, uh, seriously? She's hot. You can go."

Kendall spun around to face them all, momentarily _hating_ Lucy. Because James thought she was hot and because everyone expected  
him to want to be with her when really he wanted -- he wanted --

"Hey, Lucy!" he called.

She ducked back into the lobby, since apparently the elevator hadn't arrived yet. "That didn't take long."

He rolled his eyes. "What if we all hung out? Let's make it a get together, gathering type thing..." He caught her eyes, raised his eyebrows. Challenging a little. "Invite Camille. It'll be fun."

Lucy smirked right back at him. "Well, I guess it could be. Eight o'clock. See you then." And she was gone again.

Kendall grinned to himself, accepting backslaps from the guys. They thought he had a hot girlfriend; he got to spend time with the people he loved most in the world; Lucy would have an excuse to hang out with her crush. He was really good at plans.


	6. Chapter 6

They were crowded around Lucy's apartment, red plastic cups already almost covering the table, with an empty bottle of rum and an empty bottle of Coke tossed into the recycling. All of which actually only gave them one cup apiece, since there were six of them, but Lucy assured them she had plenty more in her fridge.

Kendall, James, and Logan were all squished into the couch together, with Carlos sitting crosslegged on the floor. Lucy was lounging in the chair and Camille sitting crosslegged on the floor in front of her. Camille clapped her hands and declared, "Let's play a drinking game!"

"Beer pong?" James suggested. "Flip cup?"

Logan explained: "He visited his cousin's frat once."

"And I _rock_ at drinking games," James said, grinning widely. "So what are we playing?"

"Nothing that messy, I'd like to get my security deposit back someday," Lucy interrupted.

"We'll play I Never," Camille declared. "The way it works is, we take turns. You say something you've never done -- or, well, you say _something_ \-- and anyone who's done it has to drink. Like..."

"Oh, oh," Logan broke in, raising his cup. "Like, for example, 'I never accidentally called my gym teacher Dad in seventh grade,' _Carlos_."

Carlos turned to Logan. " _Die_."

  
"You have to drink," Logan taunted.

Carlos scowled, but tipped his cup up. Camille laughed, a bright, high noise. "Right, right, like that. Okay, I'll go first." She gave them all a long, considering look. "I never... sunbathed naked."

Everyone laughed a little as James drank. Kendall hid his face behind his cup, trying not to picture it. Because of _course_ James sunbathed naked. He liked getting a nice, even tan.

"Okay, okay, then it's my turn now," James said, but he was laughing good-naturedly, too. "Uhh, no, okay. This one's cute. I never played with dolls."

Kendall groaned and drank. Like it was _his_ fault he'd spent years baby sitting for Katie? Crazy genius she may have been, but she was still a little girl. Camille and Lucy both drank, and... "Carlos?"

"What?" Carlos said, shameless. "My older sisters made me. _And_ my cousins. And anyway, what's the difference between a doll and an action figure?"

Lucy laughed. "Mostly I tied up my Barbies and tortured them."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Kendall mused.

"Does she like to tie up and torture her _Ken Doll?_ " Logan suggested.

"Oh, like I've never heard _that_ pun before." Kendall rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, I'll go. Uh..." He blanked out on anything really good. He couldn't ask anything about sex, no way was he going to be the one who opened that can of worms, even though he _knew_ it would end up open sooner or later. So he went for the innocent and pointless: "I never cheated on a test."

Everyone reached for their drinks except for him and Carlos. And on the one hand, he wasn't surprised Carlos had never cheated, but on the other: "Logan? Really?"

Logan slammed his cup down. "It was second grade!"

"Seriously?" James asked.

"Second grade," he repeated. "It was a spelling test and I thought I'd ace it because I could actually _read_ but I couldn't remember which words ended in t-i-o-n, and I panicked, but I had the vocab list in my desk and I could see it and I -- I still have anxiety dreams about it!"

"Have you considered therapy for that?" Lucy asked.

Logan scowled, but threw out a brain teaser: "My turn. I never... I've never _not_ had sex."

"Huh?" Carlos asked.

"Well, I never _had_ sex would be drink if you have, so..." Logan shrugged. "Drink if you're a virgin."

"Oh _man_ ," Carlos said, reaching for his drink He was the only one who drank, and after downing a few swallows, he looked around desperately. "Seriously? _Seriously?_ I have _got_ to get laid."

Logan laughed, which was kind of stupid, since Kendall knew for a fact that if Camille hadn't thrown him down on her bed, he'd never have made a move and would still be a virgin, too. (She'd told Jo, Jo had told him.) "I'm gonna need another drink," Carlos sighed. "Someone else go."

"Okay," Lucy said. She caught Kendall's eye, then repeated. "Okay. I've got one. Everyone ready?" At everyone's nods, she continued, "I never made out with someone of my own gender." Then she picked up her cup and downed it defiantly. But her moment was a little bit stolen, because on the floor in front of her, Camille took a swig of her drink.

And on the couch next to Kendall, James did, too.

Kendall almost fell off the couch, and he wasn't even drunk. He managed to reign in his gaping, tried to find words but couldn't, because James -- _James_. James, in profile to him, was drinking because he'd kissed a boy. He'd _made out with_ a boy. He'd... he...

"Lucy?" Camille asked, staring up at her from the floor. "You're not supposed to say something you've done. But..."

"Yeah," Lucy said, staring back. "I..." She shook her head, cleared her throat. "I, yeah. Well, actually, screw the rules. I threw that one out there because what I wanted to say is, you know. I make out with girls. Actually, I _only_ make out with girls. And, uh, do other things. Because I'm gay. So."

"Oh," Camille said, as Carlos said, "But you and Kendall!"

Everyone's gazes slid over to Kendall, who eyed his drink on the coffee table and kind of wanted an excuse to finish it. Because James... But he made himself look up at everyone and said, "Yeah, about that? It never actually happened."

"It didn't?" Camille asked. "What _did_ happen?"

"I'm not out publicly, my label doesn't want me to be," Lucy said. "So I asked Kendall to do me a favor, and he's a good guy, so he did. We went out and then we had a wild night of watching TV, dozing off, and he totally stole my half of the sheets."

Everyone laughed and Kendall managed to join in. Laughing with the group, even at his own expense, was better than thinking about --

"James Diamond," Lucy said. "I make out with girls because I'm a lesbian. What about you and your boy kissing?"

James' cheeks went red and he ducked his head. "I, uh, well. I did all that theater stuff back home, remember? Theater boys are kind of... and then at cast parties..." He shrugged. "You guys remember Jared Kantel? He was a senior when we were freshmen?"

"Yeah," Carlos said. "He got the lead in that show and you complained for weeks."

"Right," James said. "Right, well, at the cast party he kinda... uh, he said I was going to get all the leads after he graduated, so he wanted to officially pass the torch, and apparently that involved sticking his tongue in my mouth."

"Was he drunk?" Logan asked.

"Don't think so." James shrugged again. "I mean, it's no big, right? Like I said, theater guys. They also take off their pants a lot and just, like, run around. They're all kind of crazy. So whatever. Anyway, what about you, Camille?"

"What _about_ me?"

"You and girls?" Logan asked, his voice a little high.

"Yeah?" Camille looked genuinely confused. "But everyone knows I'm bi."

There was a long silence.

"You... you didn't all know that?"

"No!" Logan squawked.

"Oh. Well. Yeah. But, um, I guess I haven't really gone out with any girls in awhile, since, you know... you guys moved in." She glanced up at Logan from under long lashes. "So the whole bisexual thing hasn't really been... relevant."

"It could have been relevant! You could have -- I -- I wouldn't have _objected_ ," Logan stammered, his face bright red.

"Ught." Camille leaned back against the chair behind her. "Don't tell me you're one of _those_ guys."

"One of which guys?" Carlos asked.

"One of those guys that gets all hot for girl-on-girl action."

"Uh, that's _all_ guys," James said. "Fact of nature. Girl on girl is _hot_ ."

"Yeah?" Lucy snapped, and she sounded annoyed. "Is that so?"

"Yeah, it is," James said, and glanced around the room. "Back me up, guys."

Logan and Carlos both nodded vigorously. Kendall coughed into his drink, because the game seemed to be on hold and James made out with guys and yeah, he needed a drink. Also, it was an excuse not to agree with James, because even though normally he'd back up his guys no matter what ridiculous thing they were claiming, Lucy didn't look amused.

"Hmm." Lucy looked down at Camille for a second, then back at James, and she smirked. "Okay, fine, Diamond. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

"Huh?"

Another exchanged glance with Camille, who apparently worked out whatever Lucy's secret girl code was, because she laughed into her drink. "I tell you what. You think girls kissing is so hot, sure, Camille and I'll do that. But only if _you_ make out with..." She glanced around the room, gesturing vaguely, and Kendall went tense because he suddenly knew exactly what was happening. "... Kendall."

" _What_?" James yelped, turning to look at Kendall, who didn't have to fake shock or terror. Because it was _James_ , Lucy was talking about --

His brain shorted out just thinking about it.

"What, you think girls don't find boy on boy hot?" Camille taunted. "If you put on a show, so will we."

"Ah." James leaned back on the couch, nodding a little. "So is the show going to be worth it?"

Camille looked up at Lucy, and Lucy actually _blushed_. Camille smiled, looking like a cat with a bowl of cream, and said, "Hell yes. So do we have a deal?"

James looked over at Kendall, eyebrows raised. "I'm in if you are."

"Do it!" Carlos put in. "Come on, Kendall, take one for the team."

"Hey, I am _not_ taking one for the team, I am an awesome kisser," James objected.

Kendall swallowed. James was an awesome kisser. James kissed boys. James was talking about kissing him. His heart started thumping, his blood pounding in his veins. He was nervous, which was crazy. He didn't get nervous on stage in front of thousands of people, he didn't get nervous on the ice with a whole game, a whole _season_ riding on him. But the thought of James kissing him --

"Kendall," Logan said, voice breathy and hands clasped together, "please do this. Please. I will owe you forever and you won't need to get me a birthday present this year, okay? Or Christmas present. Pretty please?"

"Well, Kendall?" Lucy drawled, voice low. "Are you gonna wreck your boys' fun?"

Kendall looked over at James, who was just watching him, smirking, waiting. He was so fucking gorgeous, looking like everything Kendall had ever, ever wanted. Part of him rebelled, screamed that this was _wrong_ , that he couldn't do this because it was taking advantage of James, but he was also way too aware that he'd never have this chance again.

So he managed, "Well. Can't disappoint my boys." His voice didn't even shake.

Carlos cheered and Logan stared and James... James wrapped an arm around Kendall's shoulder, used it to tug him close. Then he pressed his lips to Kendall's, nudging Kendall's mouth open, and Kendall let him. Kendall let James put his other arm on his shoulder, tangle a hand in his hair, let James slide his tongue forward, let James' leg press against his own.

And holy _fuck_ , James was a good kisser. Kendall had seen James make out with what felt like hundreds of girls, so he'd known that, known James must be, but observing it had nothing on experiencing it. James was aggressive, but not rough; he tasted like sticky-sweet soda and booze, but he smelled like Cuda, that sharp, masculine fragrance Kendall's brain had always, always associated with James. His body was warm and pressed up against Kendall's, and Kendall wanted more, _needed_ more, and took it, turning further towards James, leaning in so they were actually chest to chest. Instead of just letting himself be kissed, he kissed _back_ , took advantage of this one moment and tried to make it good enough to last a lifetime. It would _have_ to,  
because it would never happen again. Kendall knew that, and he also knew that this kiss was the one he'd measure all other kisses against for the rest of his life. Boys, girls, anyone who kissed him would pale next this, because this was _James_.

He really, genuinely had no idea how long it took before James pulled away. Kendall jerked back, because he so desperately wanted to follow instead. He wanted to grab James and pin him down, to kiss him and _keep_ him, and never have to let him up. He was sure he was flushed, he was definitely breathing heavily, and yeah, he was embarrassingly turned on, but the apartment was dim so hopefully no one would notice that as long as he didn't stand up for awhile.

"That was the hottest thing I've ever seen," Camille murmured.

"Yeah," James said, breathing a little hard himself. "So I'm gonna make me and Kendall some very strong drinks, and then it's _your_ turn, ladies."

Everyone laughed a little awkwardly, and James propelled himself off the couch to go get the rum out of Lucy's kitchen. He did indeed make them both drinks, which were strong enough that Kendall wrinkled his nose. "Wow," he mumbled, and tried not to notice that when James sat back down, it was at the other end of the couch, with Logan between them.

"Soooo..." James said, and looked expectantly at the girls.

Camille looked up at Lucy. "I think they earned it."

"Yeah, I suppose. You wanna come up here?"

Camille stood, set her drink down on the coffee table, and then helped herself to Lucy's lap. Everyone watched, rapt, as she leaned into Lucy's space and kissed her. It was actually kind of hard to see, since her back was mostly to the room, but the way Lucy's arms slid around her, pulling her close then coming to rest with her hands low on Camille's hips, _that_ was hot. Lucy shifted in her seat, just enough to let everyone see a little more, but the motion pulled Camille even closer. She made a soft, happy noise, and when Lucy finally pulled away, coming up for breath, Camille tugged her right back down into another kiss.

Kendall smiled a little. Way to go, Lucy.

When they finally _did_ stop kissing, Camille just rearranged herself on Lucy's lap, seeming perfectly content there, smirking a little. Behind her, Lucy looked a little breathless and surprised, which was cute, really.

"Well, there we go," Camille said. "I'm pretty comfortable where I am, so who wants to top off _our_ drinks, hmm?"

Logan scrambled to do it, apparently afraid that if he didn't Camille might move and that would cut off any opportunity for further girl on girl. Kendall smirked into his cup, pretty sure that right now, Lucy and Camille could get the guys to do basically anything they wanted.

"You know what I think?" Lucy asked, accepting her drink from Logan. "I think, drinking game or no, it's time for us all to get wasted. Cheers, boys."

\--

Drinking was good. Drinking was very good. Drinking let Kendall relive the moment James kissed him over and over, while keeping everyone else just as incoherent and stupid as he was, so no one noticed. Which was good, because it was all Kendall could think about. James' lips and James' hands and James' body. James...

But as the night wore on and some of the alcohol wore off, he took a turn for the morose. James hadn't really wanted to do it, he'd only wanted to see Lucy and Camille. It would never happen again, and now that really _hurt_ , because Kendall knew exactly what he was missing, what he could never have.

By the time everyone had decided they'd sobered up enough to head back home without waking up his mom and getting busted, Kendall was in full-on sulk mode. As the rest of the guys headed for the door, he hung back and said, "I'll help clean up here. This place is a wreck."

"Best fake boyfriend ever," Lucy said, as Camille pulled her to her feet. The two of them shared a long look, and then Camille giggled and when she turned away her cheeks were pink. She and the other guys filed out as Kendall began gathering up dripping, near-empty cups.

He chucked the stack of them into Lucy's trash and sighed.

"That's not a happy noise," she mused, grabbing soda bottles for the recycling. "Come on, why the sad face? You got to make out with His Tallness, you should be happy."

"I got to make out with him under false... false pretenses." Was that the right word? He was still a little gone. "He doesn't even know... he doesn't know that it matters to me, so it doesn't matter. It was nothing, just, just..."

"You know there's a solution to that, right?" Lucy asked. "Tell him how you feel."

"No way in hell." Kendall shook his head as he reached for a cleaning spray to hopefully get the coffee table clean. It was covered in sticky spills. "Besides, I didn't hear _you_ telling Camille anything. Even though she obviously wanted your hands all over her."

Lucy scowled at him, tossing a roll of paper towels his way. "She was drunk."

"Well, at least she's into girls." Kendall had already run over James' theater thing in his mind a hundred times. At no point did he say he _liked_ kissing guys. And even though a tiny, stupid, optimistic part of Kendall's brain pointed out that he hadn't seemed too reluctant to kiss Kendall , it wasn't like he'd made an announcement of sexual identity or anything. It seemed like maybe yeah, he'd kissed a couple guys at theater parties, but it was something that had _happened_ to him, something he'd allowed but hadn't really been into.

"Into girls doesn't mean into me," Lucy said.

"Seriously?" Kendall stared at her. "She was _all over you_. All night."

"Again: drunk. Besides, your pretty boy seemed perfectly fine with kissing you --"

"So he could watch you and Camille --"

"Straight guys usually don't do that casually, idiot." Lucy lounged across her kitchen counter. "Seriously. Maybe everyone experiments, but he didn't even need to be talked into it."

"'Cause dudes have kissed him before. Everyone wants to kiss him..."

"Oh _god_ , you are so annoying." Lucy rolled her eyes. "Seriously, just tell him. At least tell him -- all of them -- that you're gay, if you're not going to tell him how you _feel_."

"How he --" And a gasp.

Kendall spun to find Camille standing in the doorway, staring at him. "Oh, shit," he muttered, and threw himself down on the couch.

"Oh my god, you -- you're -- and you like _James?_ " Camille landed on the couch next to him, clearly still a little tipsy.

"Please tell me you're drunk enough to forget about this," Kendall groaned. He didn't bother denying it, because it was obvious what they'd been talking about, but he didn't need this.

"Oh, wow," Camille said. "How long has this been going on? Oh my god, after tonight you -- oh!"

Lucy sat down on Camille's other side. "The short version: you're exactly the third person who knows he's gay, the second who knows about his James thing -- unless you told your mom?" Kendall shook his head, so she continued, "He's felt like this since they were infants or something, and he's too stupid to do anything about it, because even after tonight he's pretty sure James is straight."

Camille stared at her for a second, taking that in, then whirled around to stare at Kendall. "James? Straight? James _Diamond_  
? No."

"What do you _mean_ , no? He's never told me otherwise, and he _would_ \--"

"You never told _him_ ," Lucy pointed out.

Damn her relentless logic. "Yeah, well, tonight when he was confessing _whatever_ , he didn't say --"

"But he did kiss you," Camille broke in. "And _you_ didn't say and, oh, I _love_ secrets." She giggled, templing her fingers like a super villain. "This is fantastic. Lucy, we have to do something about this."

"You don't have to do anything --"

"Like what?" Lucy asked.

"Well, we have to get them together, obviously." Camille threw her arms around them both. "The three of us working together, we can do that, right?"

"No thanks," Kendall said, ducking out of her grip. "I mean, I appreciate it, but I can handle this."

"He can't," Lucy said. "Or at least, he won't."

"Why is this so important to you?" Kendall snapped. "You got all pissed off at me earlier this week and now --"

"Because it just... okay. Fine." Lucy slumped back against the couch, a move which actually let Camille cuddle up closer against her, Kendall noted. "I just wasted... I wasted a few years of my life. I was so freaked out. I was terrified. My parents are really conservative, they were already worried about me because I was, like, the anti-girly girl, and the more I got into music, the more they thought I was falling in with the wrong crowd anyway. And when I finally snapped and told them -- and trust me, I _snapped_ \-- it was... awful. I thought they were never going to talk to me again."

Kendall stared down at the floor. He was lucky, he _knew_ that. He'd always known his mom would love him no matter what, even when he'd been too terrified to tell her. Lucy apparently hadn't been so lucky. No wonder all of her songs were so angry.

"So, yeah. It took awhile. I went to stay with my sister, because I couldn't... I couldn't take being around them, the way they looked at me. But then they showed up at my sister's. And they told me that they loved me, okay? No matter what. And they were sorry they hadn't supported me and that I'd felt so... so torn up inside for so long."

He looked up at her. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. And I know a lot of people don't have that happy ending, but then again, you obviously _would_. I've met your mom, I know your guys. And you were feeling like I did, weren't you? Like a freak?"

Kendall thought of years in the locker room after hockey practice, forcing himself to joke around with friends while telling himself where to keep his eyes; he thought of years of faking interest in girls, of going on dates he didn't want and bragging about them because he had to. How hard he'd tried to fit in, how terrified he'd been of _not_ fitting in.

"Yeah," he murmured.

"And you feel better now that your mom knows?"

"Yeah."

"That's why I bothered you. And I _am_ sorry, I get that it's not my business, it's different for everyone, just... you remind me of me, okay? We're both kind of permanently pissed off people."

Kendall snorted. "I've been told I have anger issues."

"Me, too. So. That's why I got in your face about it."

"Oh." Yeah, okay. That all kind of made sense, but he didn't really know what else to say.

Luckily, Camille apparently did. She said, "Jesus, Lucy, that's rough. Come here." And then kissed her.

Kendall laughed, and Lucy flipped him off without moving away from Camille. "So is this why you came back here?" Kendall asked. "To seduce Lucy?"

Lucy did move now, but just enough to say, "Shut it, Knight."

Camille laughed, though, and -- keeping an arm around Lucy -- said to Kendall, "Something like that. I'd just have asked if I could stay, but you were still here. I didn't want you to think I'm easy or anything."

"Of course you can stay. You can -- yes. Stay. If you want," Lucy said.

"I think I will, thanks." Camille laughed again. "And maybe, if you want, we could go out sometime? It can be low key, nothing that'll get your label upset."

"I'd like that," Lucy said, and her expression was actually kind of... sweet. Which was weird on Lucy, but Kendall was not dumb enough to say that and ruin the moment.

"Cool," Camille said, and kissed her again.

"Well." Kendall stood up. "All's well that ends well. See, Lucy, I _told_ you that you should have just --"

"Don't even start with me."

"You told her she should..." Camille smiled and gave Lucy a quick peck on the cheek. "So you liked me, huh? Before that kiss tonight?"

Lucy nodded.

"I liked you, too." Camille linked their hands together. "So I'm glad you came out. _And_ ," she looked over at Kendall, "this is exactly what will happen with you and James. We're going to come up with a plan. I'm _great_ at plans. _And_ at keeping secrets, don't worry. Remember, figure skating partner?"

"Actually, I tried to forget that as soon as it ended," he said. "And thanks for keeping the secret. But you really, really, really don't need to do anything about the whole... thing. I can handle it."

"Sure you can," Camille said, winking broadly. "Suuuure."

"Oh god, whatever you're thinking, please don't," Kendall begged, though he knew it was too late. Camille had that look in her eye, and the way Lucy was looking at Camille, it was obvious she'd do anything Camille wanted. He was so really, totally, 100% screwed.

\--

The thing was, he couldn't sleep. Kendall lay in bed as the last of the alcohol worked out of his system, listening to Logan toss and turn -- Logan never slept soundly when he was drunk.

It started out as simple dread. Camille was great at scheming, true, but she was also one of the most dramatic, ridiculous people Kendall had ever met. Whatever she planned would doubtlessly be way over the top, and embarrassing, and worse, it would _fail_ , because how else _could_ it end? So instead of just embarrassing, it would be humiliating, because afterwards, everyone would know.

But from there, he couldn't stop thinking about James kissing him. He rolled over, pulling his pillow over his head to block out Logan's slight snoring -- something else that happened whenever Logan went to bed drunk -- trying not to remember it. Trying not to remember how goddamn _good_ it felt.

Because thinking about how good it felt just made him feel rotten. James would never have kissed him, if he'd known the truth. Because making out with a guy as a joke or on a dare or whatever, that was one thing. But making out with a guy who was actually gay? A guy who _liked_ him? That was totally different, and he wouldn't do it. And if he found out, he'd probably feel taken advantage of. And who could blame him?

Kendall groaned into his mattress. He couldn't even think of one of the best moments of his life without feeling guilty about it.

He rolled over and over, even after Logan's breathing finally evened out, trying to figure it out, find a way to make it right. What would he say if it was one of his friends, talking to him about this? If it was someone else's problem?

He'd say...

He'd say they needed to come clean. Besides, offense was the best defense; he shouldn't wait for someone else to figure things out and get stuck making excuses. He should... he should just tell James what happened. James and the others. Not the crush part, but the gay part. At least that way he wouldn't be off guard. And Lucy couldn't bug him about it anymore.

But...

  
He sighed. Really, what he wanted was someone to talk to, to tell him if that was crazy. He supposed he could wake up his mom, but he didn't exactly want to spill the details of the party to her. Not just because of the drinking, but because he already knew what she'd say. Of _course_ he should tell his friends. He already knew where Lucy stood, and could guess where Camille did. But they were biased by their own budding romance, and not everything would have a happy ending.

What he needed was someone he could trust. Someone enough like him to get what he was going through, but far enough away from the situation to see it rationally. And someone who'd be on his side, no matter what.

He pulled his pillow off his face and groped for his phone, charging overnight. It was almost dawn, which meant on the other side of the world, it was almost night. He squinted into the dark and texted Jo: _You around? Need to talk._

A few moments later, he got a buzz back: _Let me get my computer, video chat in 5?_

He sent _You're the best :)_ and rolled out of bed, pulled on a t-shirt and pajama pants, grabbed his laptop, and headed tothe bathroom. After all, that was the only room in the apartment that had a locking door, and there was no way he was risking waking up Logan in the middle of this, or being overheard by anyone. He settled himself on the bathroom floor, laptop sitting open on the toilet seat, grateful for the amazing wireless Carlos' mom had set up.

A few minutes later, Jo's face came up on screen. She still had makeup smeared across her face, her hair in some elaborate style for the movie. She was still on set, but alone in her trailer. "Hey," she greeted him. "Good to hear from you. What are you doing up at... what is this, five AM?"

"Yup," he said and yawned. "I just... have some stuff on my mind."

"It must be bad if it's keeping you up this late. What's going on?"

He hesitated. This had seemed like a good idea, six minutes ago, in the dark underneath his sheets, but now... How was he supposed to tell the only girl he'd loved that he didn't like, well, girls?

"Kendall?" she prompted after a moment.

"Um. Well. I maybe did something tonight that was... kind of not good. But no one caught me. But I need to tell, don't I?"

"Probably. You wouldn't be asking me if you didn't think so. You want to give me some details?"

His heartbeat sped up and he bit his lip. Nodded. "You might not like this very much. Um, you might not like _me_ very much after this."

"What did you do?" she asked, but she sounded more amused than anything else.

"It's... okay, just hear me out until I finish, okay? I'm -- I -- I'm gay."

"You're what?"

"You heard me." He looked away from the webcam in his laptop and studied the shower wall instead. It really needed to be scrubbed. He should do that so his mom wouldn't have to.

"I think I did, but... but that can't be... Kendall, you're not..."

"I am," he said. "But I never was faking anything with you. I really... really adore you, Jo. You know that, right? I never, ever, ever lied about how I felt about you. I really -- you're the only girl I ever -- you confused the hell out of me, because you _are_ the only girl I've ever..."

He still couldn't say the l-word. Not with her half a world away, staring at him through a camera, looking like she was playing some kind of death scene.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You're _sorry_? You -- you're the only boy I -- oh, god, Kendall. Don't, don't be _sorry_."

"I never wanted to hurt you. I..."

"I know," she said, and she sounded teary. Sure enough, she wiped at her eyes. "And you take back that apology, idiot. You cared about me enough to make me go after this... _this_ , you think I don't care about you just as much? You think I don't want you to be -- be happy? Even if I'm not the one who... _can't_ be the one who makes you happy?"

He stared into the webcam. "I didn't think about it like that."

"Of course not. You were too busy freaking yourself out."

"Yeah," he agreed. "I just didn't want to upset you or... I just... I miss you. Everything was so much easier when you were here."

"I miss you, too," she said, but her voice was getting steady again. "Jeez, this is going to take some getting used to. Wow. So you're... wow."

"At least you're surprised. My mom wasn't."

Jo laughed, though it sounded a little forced. "Well, you are a total mama's boy, Kendall."

"I guess I am."

"So what did you do tonight to prompt this confession?" Jo asked, pulling the top off a bottle of water.

"I, well. Um. I kind of made out with James."

Jo spat water all over her laptop, cursed, and reached forward to wipe it off. Then she continued, "Sorry. Um, caught me by surprise again."

"Caught _me_ by surprise too." He filled her in on what had happened, and she listened raptly, only interrupting with things like, "Really, you didn't know Camille's into girls?" and, "Wow, I have _got_ to meet his Lucy person."

Finally, he wrapped it up: "The truth is... the honest truth? I don't think James would have done it if he knew. I mean, right?"

"Probably not," she agreed. "I mean, unless he has a thing for you or something."

If Kendall had been drinking, he'd have done a spit take. " _What_?"

"I'm just saying. I think Lucy's right, it sounds like he was way too casual about kissing you for him to be totally straight. So..." She shrugged.

"James doesn't -- he's not --"

Was he?

He stared at Jo, then said, throat a little dry, for the first time really questioning it. _James is straight_ had been his inner monologue for so many years that it felt like an ingrained truth, something he knew the way he knew Katie's birthday and his own middle name.

But James had kissed boys before, and even if he hadn't really been the one who'd started it, even if it was just some drama kid sticking his tongue in James' mouth... James had let him, and James had been willing to confess it, and James...

James had _kissed_ him.

Kendall swallowed and said, "He's... I don't know, but the thing... the thing is that I kind of... James is... I kind of have a thing. For James. A James thing."

"Wow." Jo had apparently swung from startled and tearful back to entertained. "So you accidentally made out with a guy you like who doesn't know you're gay and like him. That is quite a pickle you've gotten into."

"Right?" He pulled his knees up to his chest. "So do I have to tell?"

"Yeah," Jo said. "You do."

"I know." He paused. "Do I have to tell about _James_?"

Jo shrugged. "Take it one thing at a time, tiger. But you might want to think about letting Camille and Lucy do their thing. Sounds like Lucy's on top of things, and Camille's great at schemes."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. You never know."

"And you wouldn't be at all upset if I started, y'know... like, dating James? In some crazy universe where this whole thing worked out?"

She shrugged. "It would take some getting used to. But we can't be together, and I want you to be happy. So if James is gonna make you happy... I'll email Camille. See if we can't do something about this."

Kendall smiled a little. "You're the greatest girl in the world, Jo Taylor."

"Yeah." Jo grinned back at him. "I know."

It was edging in on six when they finally finished chatting. Kendall shut his laptop and yawned, wishing he'd gotten any sleep at all. He stood up to head back to bed, but as he opened the door, he almost smacked it into someone on the other side.

Carlos.

"Um... hi," Kendall said.

Carlos gave him a weird look. "What are you doing in the bathroom that you need your computer for?"

"This looks weird, right?"

Carlos nodded.

Kendall shrugged. "Um, nothing. What are you doing up this early? And..." He glanced at Carlos. "Why do you have a magazine with you for the bathroom?"

"You really want to ask know?"

Oh. Yeah. Either Carlos was going to be in there long enough to need reading material, or he was also looking for a room with a lock, and that was a very specific kind of magazine.

"You know what, I don't," Kendall said, and headed off to bed to hopefully get a few hours of sleep.

\--

They had Saturdays off, so after a morning spent playing hockey in the park, lunch around the kitchen counter, and a rousing game of dome hockey, they all collapsed on the couch. "What do you guys want to do next?" Carlos asked, eyeing the swirly slide.

Kendall jumped in. "Best friend chat time."

"Oooh," James said, leaning forward eagerly. "We only do best friend chat time when there's gossip."

"Well, there's not a gossip, exactly." Kendall considered. "Except that while I was cleaning up last night, Camille totally came back to Lucy's. And she was still there when I left."

"Hot," Carlos put in.

"So hot," James agreed.

Kendall looked over at Logan. "And I think they really like each other. So is anyone here going to lose his mind and try to break them up?"

"No," Logan said. "I'm weirdly okay with this."

"It's because of the hotness, isn't it?" Carlos asked.

"No. It's just... Lucy's pretty cool." Logan shrugged. "And maybe it's less threatening if Camille moves on to a girl instead of another guy, I don't know. There are a lot of issues to unpack there, it's probably Freudian or something."

"You know none of us know what that meant, right?" James asked.

Logan nodded. "I know. It's cool."

"Good," Kendall said, then repeated it. "That's good, because they... they like each other, and it's my fake boyfriend duty to Lucy to make sure you don't screw it up."

"So are you two still fake dating?" Carlos asked.

Kendall shrugged. "I don't know. But. About that?" He took a deep breath, while everyone stared at him. And he reminded himself that this was a _good_ idea, it was something he had to do. "Um, we weren't just fake dating for Lucy's sake. I guess I wanted a fake girlfriend for awhile. Because I... I didn't want anyone to realize that I'm... gay. Which I am. So yeah, I figured I should tell you guys that before someone accidentally kisses me again."

"It wasn't an accident, it was a dare," James said instantly, then did a doubletake. "Wait, you're _what_?"

"Gay," Kendall repeated.

"I turned you gay? I know I'm a good kisser, and very, very hot, but --"

"Carlos?" Kendall prompted, and Carlos, thankfully, tackled James to shut him up.

As they rolled around on the floor, Logan said, "If it wasn't James --"

"It _wasn't_."

"-- when did this happen?" Logan frowned, like he was trying to reason it out. "You've been going out with girls for years. You and Jo could practically have gotten married. Was that all... fake?"

Carlos and James paused, looking up at Kendall for an answer.

Kendall cleared his throat and tried to explain. "It was mostly... not fake, but all those girls I went out with? The reason it never went anywhere? Was just that I didn't really... I liked them fine as _people_ , but I wasn't that interested in them. Except for Shannon, and I really, really fucked that up, but I did like her a lot. And Jo... I... I don't know, it's confusing. But I really... She made me feel all... It wasn't fake. But I'm gay. I don't know."

To his surprise, Logan shrugged. "Well, why not? Most people aren't _totally_ gay or _totally_ straight. Maybe you're not a Kinsey six, but you could be a four or five or something."

"Huh?" Carlos asked, finally rolling off of James and climbing back on to the couch.

"The Kinsey scale," Logan explained. "It's a... a measure of sexuality, where one is totally straight a six is totally gay, and most people fall between them somewhere instead of at extremes. So if he's a five... yeah, maybe he's _almost_ totally gay, but not _so_ gay that he couldn't fall for Jo."

"Jo was pretty cool," Carlos agreed.

Kendall stared at Logan, feeling like he'd just found a lost piece to a jigsaw puzzle. "I... I didn't know that. That's... that clears a lot up."

Logan shrugged. "Well if you'd told us whenever you figured this out, instead of waiting, what, at least three years? I could have helped you out ages ago."

" _Yeah_ ," Carlos said. "How long have you been keeping this secret? We're not supposed to have secrets, Kendall. It's the Don't Keep Secrets From Your Best Buds Code."

"It's been..." Kendall swallowed guiltily. He did the math, thinking back to that hockey game, the hockey player who'd inadvertently opened his eyes, and of course Logan was darned close to right. He'd known he was different before then, though, for almost as long as he could remember. He just hadn't known how. "At least three and a half years. Maybe four. I don't know, a long  
time."

James sat down next to him. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Um, because hockey players in small towns in Minnesota really aren't supposed to be gay?"

"So?" Carlos said. "Were you worried about the team? Because the four of us together, we could have taken everyone else if they'd given you any trouble."

"Seriously? The four of us? Against... what, every other hockey player in town?"

"Well... okay, maybe we'd have gotten our butts kicked, but we'd have gone down fighting," Carlos said.

Kendall looked at the three of them, all staring back at him. Carlos looked a little sad and a little confused; Logan looked like he was still working it out, the same expression as when he did complex math stuff in his head; and James just looked kind of... intrigued. For some reason, Kendall couldn't read him very well, which was weird. Kendall could usually read James like a book. A _picture_ book.

"Kendall," Logan said suddenly. "You didn't doubt _us_ , right? That we'd have your back?"

"Of course not," Kendall said, which was mostly true. He'd never really doubted them, he'd just been kind of freaked out. "It's just, I knew as soon as I said something it would be... real. And I wasn't ready for that."

"Oh." Logan nodded, apparently finding that acceptable.

"I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner. You know, before anyone here kissed me. On a dare."

James laughed. "If anyone asks, I'm totally going to say I turned you gay."

"Shut up."

"No, but seriously," James said, but his smile made it clear that whatever he was saying was not serious at all. " _You_ didn't drink for that kissed-your-own-gender question, so was I actually your first boy kiss?"

"Yeah, don't remind me."

"Aww, man, that's just sad. You've never made out with another dude? You've never... no, wait, you've only had sex with girls, but you don't even _like_ ...So you've really never done anything with a guy, huh?"

"Yeah," Kendall groaned.

"Hey, I'm not the only virgin anymore!" Carlos crowed. "If you're gay, sex with girls totally doesn't count."

"It does so!"

"I don't think so." Carlos turned to Logan, who shook his head no, and Kendall turned to James, who wiggled his hand in a kinda-sorta gesture.

"It's not that you're re-virginized," James said. "It's just kind of pathetic."

"Hey!"

"But," he continued, "maybe now that you're out, you'll finally get some with a dude. I bet Lucy will cover for you if you need to pretend to be straight in public, but in private..." He waggled his eyebrows. "Lucy can get some with Camille, and who knows what'll happen for you?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Okay. Here's the plan," Camille said, pacing the length of Lucy's apartment. "The big thing is, we need to hot you up."

"What?" Kendall looked down at himself. "I'm plenty hot!"

Camille and Lucy exchanged a look that plainly said _isn't he cute?_ and Kendall sulked.

"I'm hot enough that Lucy went out with me," he said, scowling and crossing his arms.

" _Fake_ went out with you," Lucy reminded him.

"And then _fake_ had sex with me," Kendall shot back. "You think I'm hot enough for everyone to think you're hooking up with."

"No, I just thought you were mildly less crazy than everyone else around here. Not sure I was right on that one."

"Hey!"

Camille stopped pacing and waved their conversation away. "You look fine, Kendall, in a gangly, small town, boy next door way. James, however, looks hot in a sophisticated, son of a makeup magnate, could be a spokesmodel kind of way."

"Does Logan know you think that?" Kendall asked, then, amused, "Does Lucy?"

"I'm not that easily threatened," Lucy said. "Besides, I think I could take James in a fight."

Kendall considered. James was tall and broad and a hockey player, but he probably wouldn't hit a girl. Kendall doubted Lucy would have any scruples about fighting dirty. Yeah, she probably could, when it came down to it.

"You are adorable," Camille informed her, beaming. "Fighting for my honor. I love it. But luckily for James, it's not necessary."

Kendall chuckled. "Okay, so --"

" _So_ ," Camille interrupted, "if we're going to convince James that you're suddenly interested in being a hotass, we'll need to do some work on our own first. How do you feel about manscaping?"

\--

Kendall, it turned out, did not feel good about manscaping. That did not keep Lucy from sitting on him to hold him down while Camille attacked his face and body with all kinds of waxes and gooey potions and weird textured rock thingies and he had no idea what else.

All he knew was that when he walked into 2J hours later, Carlos letting out a whistle and declaring, "What happened to your _face_?" was not exactly the reaction he was going for.

Carlos and James were playing some video game on the couch, while Logan had a mess of text books and papers spread across the kitchen counter. James and Logan both looked up at him, too. Surprise was obvious on Logan's face, entertainment on Carlos', and James' eyes lit up.

"Nothing happened to my face!"

James bounced up to his feet. "Lies," he accused, walking up to Kendall. He paused, leaning in, almost nose to nose. It was weird and if he were about two inches closer they'd be kissing --

But he pulled back and said, "Deep cleanse, exfoliation, eyebrow waxing, some kind of mask. A good one, too."

Kendall managed, "Oh, so that's what they did to me. I gave up asking. There was something green and it smelled like salad, I don't even know."

James laughed. "Your skin is glowing. That's amazing. It's like you've never even washed your face before or something."

"I wash my face!"

"Let me guess, you use the same bar soap you do for the shower?" James shook his head. "I'll call my mom, have her send you a sampler of her men's line. You'll love it."

"I don't think I will," Kendall said skeptically, then, a little offended, "Why aren't you pushing Cuda on me?"

James' voice went low and husky. "You aren't ready for Cuda." Then it brightened. "Your skin _does_ look great, though. So you've decided to actually care about that stuff now that you're gay?"

"Something like that." Kendall paused. "And I've _always_ been gay."

"Since you kissed me." James made his way back to the couch and picked up his controller.

"Since forever," Kendall repeated.

"James, don't tease him," Logan lectured, tapping his pen against his homework. "It wasn't easy for him to tell us."

"Whatever, _Mom_ ," James answered, hitting a button on his controller. The noises of the game came back up.

Logan scowled and chucked his pen at James' head. James yelped and dropped his controller. As he turned around to yell at Logan, Carlos yelled, "Ha!" and there was the sound of violent death. James yelped again, apparently not sure which one of them he wanted to deal with more, and finally he settled back onto the couch, informed Carlos that that game didn't count, and started a new one.

Kendall shrugged and wandered to his room. He had no idea if that had gone well or gone badly or what, but at least James had _noticed_.

\--

Kendall waited for James to approach him with, sure enough, a basket full of weird bottles of soap and hair gel and he had no idea what else. "You see these things?" James asked.

Kendall nodded.

"Good. Use them. Actually, you'll _have_ to use them, because I threw out everything else you had in the bathroom except your toothbrush."

"Hey!"

James grinned. "Don't say I never did anything for you."

Kendall rolled his eyes and examined some of the tiny bottles. "I don't even know what these are."

James pointed. "Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, facial soap, moisturizer, aftershave, hair gel. Don't be afraid, I'll show you how to use them."

Kendall gave him a hearty shove. "I'm not _incompetent_ , you know."

"You are about things like this," James said.

Which was as good an opening as he was likely to get. Kendall wasn't much of an actor, but Camille had coached him. So he said, "Um, yeah. About... about things like this?"

"Hmm?" James eyes lit up a little. He looked interested. Which was good. Terrifying, but good.

"I, well. Camille and Lucy were making fun of me before that whole... thing they did to my face. The whole thing came up because, uh. You know. I don't. I've never. You know."

"Actually, I have no idea."

If Kendall sounded like he wanted to die, it was because he _felt_ like he wanted to die. "Camille says I need to dress better if I'm going to pick up a guy ever. Something about higher standards of grooming and I don't know, it all sounded like stereotypes because that's not _me_ ," which was true, really, "but then again I've never actually been out with a guy so what the hell do I know, and anyway, do you want to go shopping?"

James stared at him. "You? Want to go shopping? You hate shopping."

"Yes, I do," Kendall agreed. It was true; really, he only bothered shopping at all because it was either that or let his mother buy all his clothes for him, and as much as he loved her, that wasn't going to happen. James, on the other hand, loved shopping. "But I also wouldn't mind, you know, looking like whatever. And this is kind of your area of expertise. So."

"You want me to take you shopping," James repeated. "You know, you always dream about moments like these, but you never think they'll really happen. You have so much to learn, young Padawan, let me be your Jedi Master. You won't regret it."

"I already do," Kendall said.

\--

Their first stop was pants. James moved through the store like a natural disaster, leaving racks decimated behind them, tugging Kendall along by his collar. Kendall went from optimistic about the whole thing to entertained by it to terrified when James forcibly shoved him into a dressing room.

And he was in no way prepared for it when James circled him, eyes glued to Kendall's hips and butt and package. But James shook his head. "Too loose through here." He put a hand on Kendall's hip. It was hot through the jeans, but James just used it to gather the denim and show how much extra there was. "Wow. You have no hips and no ass. That's kind of remarkable."

"Shut up." Kendall shoved James away from him.

James laughed and threw another pair of pants at him. "Try these."

So Kendall did. And this time James circled him like a wild animal circling prey, then declared, "Yes. These."

"These?"

James pushed Kendall towards a full length mirror. "See? See how these hit here," he put his hand on Kendall's hip again, "and they make it look like you _do_ have an ass, see?" He smacked it playfully and Kendall turned red and punched his arm.

"They're not perfect," James continued. "We'll have to get them tailored, that's the real key to making anything look good, but they're a better base to start from. Oh man, you are going to be so hot."

Face still stupidly red, Kendall said, "Promise?"

\--

It took six hours. Six. Kendall was pretty sure shopping was his idea of hell, and as much as he loved James he spent at least five of those hours wanting to strangle him or stab him or mutilate him in some way. He put Kendall in outfits that looked ridiculous, then laughed and took pictures with his phone. He also laughed at Kendall's gangly limbs and how uncomfortable he was in basically anything that wasn't flannel or a t-shirt.

But then again, there were a few glorious minutes mixed in with those excruciating hours, when James would look at him with an expression that was almost... hungry, really. And there were plenty of times James would just invite himself into Kendall's personal space bubble, straightening clothes or adjusting seams, buttoning or unbuttoning shirts, with exactly zero sense of personal boundaries. Aside from the pants James had forced him into, there were a bunch of shirts, which James had gone on and on about fit and sleeve length and Kendall didn't know what else, but James had been really enthusiastic about it. He'd even let Kendall get two whole plaid shirts (not flannel, but plaid), since they were cut well or something.

Finally, finally, they'd been to every store James could think of. They'd racked up tons of purchases (all put on the Rocque Records cards -- hey, Kendall looking good would make the band look good) and Kendall was exhausted and grumpy and completely convinced that the whole idea had been idiotic. He was pretty sure he looked good in the clothes but he also felt weird about changing how he dressed to impress some guy. Even if the guy was James. And it wasn't like James had said or done anything that really _meant_ anything. He loved shopping and fashion, so making Kendall look good had probably been a matter of pride, not anything else.

At least, that was what he thought until James gave him a lingering look right before heading into his bedroom and said, "Do yourself a favor. Don't ever wear," he gestured at Kendall's body, "any of that again. The stuff we got you today? You'll look hot. You'll have to beat the boys off."

There was a long pause. Kendall raised his eyebrows.

"Bad word choice," James admitted. "But then again, that's further than you've ever gone with a dude, so would it be such a bad thing?"

He slammed the door to his room before Kendall could yell a retort, and laughter drifted back from behind it.

\--

Kendall wore entirely James-approved outfits for the next three days and waited for something to happen. Anything. Because the whole point was that James had picked out the clothes, James had declared they made Kendall look hot... so James must have found Kendall hot in them, right?

It was a good theory. Logical. Scientifically sound. Kendall was sure that if he ran it by Logan, Logan would agree -- not that he was going to do that, but still.

But apparently it had a flaw somewhere, because James grinned at the group on the third day and announced, "You know Suzanne, that new girl?"

"The really hot one with the crazy blue eyes?" Carlos asked.

"Yup." James ran his lucky comb through his hair. "We're going out tonight."

As Carlos and Logan congratulated James, something in Kendall snapped a little bit. Without even realizing what he was doing he said, "Yeah, cool. I have a date too, actually."

All three of them turned to stare at him. "Awesome," Logan said. "With who?"

With who? Right. Kendall should have seen that coming. He improvised, "You know. Uh. A new guy."

"I didn't know there were any new guys lately," James said. "Who is he?"

"Um, you wouldn't have seen him. He's, uh, in a movie. He's usually on set," Kendall said. Then, just to make sure they didn't get too nosy, he added, "And he only speaks French so he hasn't really introduced himself to anyone."

" _You_ don't speak French," Logan said.

Damn it. Right. He didn't. Everyone stared, so he said, "Yeah, I know, I didn't know he didn't speak English so I introduced myself and, um, actions speak louder than words or something. He went to do that cheek kiss thing that Europeans do, you know, whatever, but uh, he missed and we kind of real kissed? And anyway we managed to work out the date thing. So. Yeah. Date. With a French guy."

"Cool," James said. "Well. Have fun."

\--

"A _French_ guy?" Lucy demanded.

Kendall let out a satisfying _nnnnaaargh_ noise and collapsed on her couch. "Yes. I have a fake date with a non-existent French guy."

"Does he have a name?" Camille asked.

"He's not real!"

Camille waved that away easily. "Yes, and he needs a name. It's one of the important pieces of building a character. We'll need to decide what he looks like, what his hobbies are, what he's doing in Hollywood... This is going to be fun. This could work!"

" _What_ could work?" Kendall groaned.

Camille waggled her eyebrows. "We're going to get you into a hot and heavy relationship. And watch to see if His Tallness reacts."

"That sounds like a terrible idea."

"You have a better one?" Lucy asked.

Kendall groaned into the couch cushion. "No."

"Great. Now let's get to work. Pierre?" Camille suggested.

" _Sounds_ like a fake name for a French guy."

"That's what it is," Lucy pointed out.

"Pepe?"

"Like, Le Pew? I don't think so."

Camille let out a noise of frustration. "Okay. Filipe?"

"Can't I just go with Phillip?"

"No." Camille shook her head adamantly. "The point is that he's sexy and foreign and mysterious."

"You're aware he's fictional, right?"

Camille waved that away. "Philip sounds like just some dude, someone's cousin who's staying at the Palm Woods while he sees the tacky tourist sights for a weekend. You'd never hook up with a Philip. _Filipe_ , on the other hand, is a sexy French up and coming actor who's looking to break into English language films. And _you_ are going to be his guide to the city."

"Okay, but again," Kendall said, "how am I supposed to convince anyone at all I'm showing around someone who _doesn't exist_ ?"

Camille gave him one of _those_ looks, and Kendall winced even before she threw out her arms, posing dramatically, and declared, "By _acting!_ "

Yeah, he probably should have seen that coming.

\--

The first step to dating a guy who didn't exist was to go on dates that weren't real, so Kendall stepped out of the Palm Woods and treated himself to a solo dinner. He sat around at a fast food place for an hour and a half, beating his high score on half the games on his phone, before heading home. But he paused to spritz on a tiny dab of cologne, which Camille had smuggled to him. He wanted to smell like fancy European guy, not like greasy chicken fingers.

James was still out when he got home, which he pretended not to notice. "How was your date?" Carlos asked.

"Great," Kendall said.

"Despite the language barrier?" Logan asked.

"Didn't do much talking." Kendall raised his eyebrows, smirking.

\--

Kendall heard the rumors swirling around him at the pool and in the lobby the next day. Everyone was talking about the hot new French guy, Filipe, who'd just moved in, and how he was _allegedly_ dating Kendall Knight. Someone heard from someone who'd heard from someone that they'd been making out in the park. Camille and Lucy had been hard at work, apparently.

It took three days (including another fake date) before James crossed his arms over his chest and demanded, "So do we ever going to _meet_ this Filipe guy?"

"Yeah, I've never even seen him," Carlos said.

"Oh. Well," Kedall improvised. "His schedule's weird. He's still got jetlag. Totally jetlagged. And busy with his movie. But you'll probably see him around. I mean, he and I are kind of doing this thing, so obviously he's going to be around. Duh."

James exchanged looks with Carlos and Logan, but finally said, "Okie dokie."

\--

The buzz only lasted so long. Then suddenly everyone was talking about James and Suzanne hooking up in one of the cabanas. Guitar Dude swore he'd seen them. Then again, he was pretty stoned, so who the hell knew if he'd really seen anything?

Of course, James didn't deny it, just smirked.

This required drastic measures.

\--

"This is weird," Kendall said, sitting on Lucy's couch, holding perfectly still.

"Well, it's me or the vacuum cleaner, so suck it up," Lucy answered.

"Oooh, nice pun," Camille put in.

Kendall narrowed his eyes at her. "You should not be getting off on watching your girlfriend do this to me."

"I'm not." Camille smiled cheerily. "I'm actually just laughing at you."

Lucy scowled. "This isn't exactly fun for me either."

"Funny, coming from the girl who once insisted we make everyone think we were having sex."

Lucy smacked the back of his head, then gripped it, tilting it to the side so she could get better access to his neck. Kendall did everything he could not to laugh, because with someone else it might have been hot, but this was honestly the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him.

\--

"Nice hickey," Carlos said, and let out a long whistle.

Kendall brought a hand up to his neck, rubbing it self-consciously. "It's not... it... uh, whatever."

"Wow," Logan said.

James didn't say anything, just frowned.

\--

The next day, Kendall and his fake Frenchman had the buzz again. Which was definitely good, exactly what was supposed to happen, except Kendall couldn't help but wonder how long he could keep this up. Lucy and Camille both were great at pretending they'd just seen Filipe getting on the elevator or leaving the pool or whatever, but surely sooner or later, _someone_ would realize that no one named Filipe lived at the Palm Woods.

\--

Kendall came back from his next fake date to find James digging into pie, Carlos and Logan on either side of him, patting his back. "Everything okay here?" Kendall asked.

"If you hear any rumors that Suzanne dumped me, they _aren't true_ ," James moaned. "It was a, a, what did you call it?"

"Mutual decision," Logan said.

"Yeah, one of those." James' forehead thunked down onto his arm on the counter.

"Wait. Back up. What?" Kendall demanded.

James looked up and shot him a withering glare. "Suzanne and I _mutually decided_ that we aren't going out again. Not that you care."

"Huh?"

"You weren't even here!" James snapped, then stood up and stormed off towards his bedroom.

Kendall blinked a few times. James had broken up with plenty of girls in his time, and he almost never got upset about it -- he almost never went out with them enough times for it to even count as breaking up, really. And he definitely hadn't been out with Suzanne more than once or twice. _And_ he wasn't collapsing like he had when Blond Jennifer had dumped him.

So what, exactly, was he so upset about?

\--

"No one named Filipe lives at the Palm Woods," Katie informed him, sitting down across the kitchen counter from him.

Kendall almost snarfed his orange juice. "Good morning, baby sister."

"What's the scam?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

She gave him an expression that was remarkably similar to his mother's unimpressed face. Eerie.

"What?" he asked innocently, and glanced around. Remarkably, none of the other guys were there; Logan was in the shower, Carlos had overslept, and James was stalking some one-day sale that had started at dawn, trying to get shopping done before they had to go to the studio.

"Your boyfriend doesn't exist," Katie said.

"My boyf -- how long have you -- I didn't tell you about -- Katie!" Kendall set his juice down so he couldn't accidentally spit it out again.

She shrugged. "Well, were you not going to tell me that you're gay?"

"Of course I was going to! But you're just a kid. I was trying to figure out how..."

"Seriously? You thought this would be a problem, or something you'd need to explain?" She didn't call him an idiot out loud, but Kendall heard it nonetheless. "Anyway, that's not the point. I keep hearing rumors about you and this Filipe guy, so I broke into Bitters' office to look through the rental contracts, and what do you know? No Filipe."

"Ummm." Kendall glanced around again, paranoid. Then, "How would you feel about helping out your big brother? Who you _love_? And not saying that too loudly?"

She gave him a considering look. "A hundred bucks."

"Twenty."

"Fifty."

"Fifty but you help me out with this whole... _thing_ when I need you to."

Katie held out her hand. "Done. So what _are_ we doing?"

"It's kind of a long story," Kendall said.

\--

Kendall was walking into the lobby, minding his own business, when a hand came up to cover his mouth and someone tugged him into the supply closet. Camille. "What? What's happening?" he demanded.

"Did you _hear_? Suzanne dumped James yesterday!"

"It was mutual, James said," Kendall said.

"Well, of _course_ that's what James would say. Anyway, it's not the point."

"Then why did you drag me in here?"

Camille grinned. "The point is _why_. Apparently, all James ever talked about was --"

"Himself, that's kind of his thing," Kendall filled in. Duh.

"Nooooo." Camille grabbed Kendall's hands and jumped up and down. "All James was talking about was _you_. Don't you get it? He's totally jealous!"

"He's... what?"

"Jealous," Camille repeated. "Because _you've_ got a boyfriend"

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, I really do," Camille promised.

And Kendall may have been gay, but he was very manly, so he totally did not jump up and down with her. Much.

\--

The next person to wonder about it was Logan, of course. Because Logan was observant and while he was kind of gullible in general, he wasn't stupid. So of course it was Logan who frowned that afternoon and asked, "What film _exactly_ is Filipe working on?"

Katie jumped in. " _Mission Improbable 7_. The original cast is so old, this is a passing-the-torch flick. Now instead of just CIA they're going to be an international group of superspies. Obviously Filipe is the French heart throb."

"Ohhh," Logan said. "Huh. I didn't know they'd greenlighted any more _Mission Improbables."_

"You should read the trade papers," Katie advised him seriously.

Kendall mouthed _thanks_ at her behind Logan's back.

\--

The whole fake date thing was no longer a novelty. Not that Kendall didn't enjoy getting some time to himself, but since he wasn't really going on dates, he wasn't really interested in dropping a lot of money. So mostly he'd just been wandering, looking for things that were interesting and cheap. Mostly cheap. Which was how he found himself in the library. Logan would be so proud.

He wandered and finally found a travel guide to France. It wasn't actually very interesting, but he figured he'd better start brushing up on his random France trivia, since he and Filipe had been hooking up for a few weeks now.

Fake hooking up. Filipe may have had a total personality developed by this point (he was a little arrogant but usually sweet and well meaning, and okay, he was basically French James) and a thorough description (tall, blond, and curly-haired, with freckles but no dimples, and he dressed a little preppie but not Eurotrashy, at least), but he was still imaginary. Even though Kendall had heard other people at the Palm Woods discussing him, as if they'd seen him themselves.

Whatever. Point was, Filipe was learning English and he and Kendall were supposedly spending lots of time together, so Kendall should memorize some random France-related stuff to drop into conversation and make the whole thing seem realer. But it wasn't actually interesting. Yes, France was beautiful, but Kendall wasn't actually interested in spending his evening in the library.

He yawned. Maybe he should get some coffee or something. Or a soda. Something with caffeine, anyway. Except he didn't want to give up his seat in the library, since he'd scored one of the comfy chairs. And the library was free and he got great reception on his phone so he could just sit there and screw around.

He was a little sleepy, though.

A librarian saw him on his phone and gave him a dark look. When he got a text from Carlos a second later, she shhhed him. He mumbled, "Sorry," and replied to Carlos, but Carlos texted him _again_ , and at the librarian's death glare, he put his phone on silent.

He yawned and flipped through the France book. Maybe Big Time Rush would get big enough to do an international tour. At least he'd know something about Paris if they went there.

A glance at the time showed he still had to kill a few hours. He really should get that soda. Did libraries have vending machines? Too bad he didn't have a hot French guy to get something for him.

He didn't mean to drift off. His head nodded a couple of times, he flipped the page, and the next thing he knew, a librarian was shaking him awake and telling him the library had actually been closed for an hour, and she just hadn't noticed him sleeping in the stacks.

He grabbed his phone to check the time: after midnight. But his curfew was 11. Damn it. He hurried out and grabbed a cab home, since it was too late for public transit to be reliable and safe (his mom lectured in his head) and he braced himself for the worst when he opened the door to 2J. But his mom wasn't up waiting, thankfully.

The guys were, though.

Kendall wished he'd thought to muss his hair or something, so at least it would look like he'd been up to something fun. "Where have you been?" Logan hissed, objectively quiet but loud in the near-silence of the apartment.

Kendall hurried over to the couch. "Out, duh."

"Duh." Carlos smacked the back of his head. "Your mom was flipping out. We covered for you, but you know how she gets when she's worried. And she was _worried_."

"Well, of course she was!" James snapped. "You're off with some French guy, who knows where, not answering your texts, who knows what you're doing? You could have been -- been kidnapped by international drug lords and used to smuggle illegal cheese and wine across the border or something!"

"Huh?" Kendall was the one who asked it, but they all turned to stare at James, who stood up, flustered.

"Well, I don't know! It's the French, who _knows_ what weird things they do? With their, their _rivieras_ and _baguettes_ and who knows what else? And you didn't even answer my texts!"

James stormed out.

Kendall blinked a few times. "Did that make any sense to anyone?" he asked.

"He was worried," Logan said. "He did text you all night. We told him you were probably, you know, _busy_ with Filipe and not stopping to check your phone. But he was convinced something was going on."

"He said some mean things about Europeans and body odor," Carlos added. "You could have let us know what was going on, though."

Kendall grabbed his phone and opened his texts. He had 34 unread: two from his mom, one from Logan, one from Carlos, and thirty from James. _Thirty_. Starting with the pretty innocuous ( _hey when u gon b home? bring ice cream plz?_ ), but they just got weirder and angrier ( _hey tell france to stop blowing u under the table or whatever so u can text me back bro_ ) to desperate ( _ok ok just text me so i know ur not dead, u didnt say when ur comin home & ur mom is worried & logans trying to cover 4 u but HES LOGAN so text us soon cuz he cant lie for crap_).

"Whoa," Kendall said.

"Is something going on with you two?" Logan asked.

"Why, did he say there was?" Kendall asked.

Logan and Carlos exchanged a weird look. "Kendall?" Carlos asked. "Why... why haven't you brought Filipe by to meet us? Are you worried James will... we want to meet him, dude. We'll make James behave."

"There's nothing going on between me and James," Kendall said, his throat going dry.

"You sure?" Logan asked. "Maybe you should talk to him. About, you know. Whatever."

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "I'll... I'll do that."

\--

Before he did that, Kendall showered, soaping up with his new Brooke Diamond For Men shower gel, grateful that the sample size label was too small for Brooke's face to appear on it. He really didn't need her watching him in the shower. Then he used the moisturizer stuff (which, okay, actually felt pretty good on his skin), changed into his pajamas, and walked down to James' and Carlos' room. He knocked on the door.

James made a _hmph_ noise, which Kendall chose to interpret as _come in_. "Sorry I didn't text," Kendall said.

"You were getting laid, I get it," James snapped. "I wasn't trying to cockblock you, Jesus."

"I know! I just... um. Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Okaaaay... So you're cool with me and Filipe?"

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be? I mean, just because I've never met the guy, so for all I know he's some kind of giant French creep who's actually a foreign spy in a terrorist ring or whatever, why wouldn't I like him?"

Kendall took a deep breath. "Filipe's not a terrorist."

"No, he just plays one in the movie, right? But I bet he's _great_ at the role."

"He plays a spy, actually."

"Same difference. Whatever. Fine."

"Fine." Kendall paused. "I'm sorry I didn't text you. I... got distracted."

"Way to go," James said, his voice flat. "So proud of you, bro. Hey, I need some beauty sleep, so..."

"Yeah." Kendall reached for the doorknob. "Just, James, is there anything... anything you want to tell me?"

James stared at him for a really long moment. Then he just said, "I liked the way you used to dress."

"Huh?"

"When you dress like some Hollywood version of Kendall," he gestured at Kendall, even though he was wearing pajamas, "you act like some Hollywood asshole. That's all."

" _You_ picked out my new clothes," Kendall pointed out. "You said I looked _good_. The whole point was for me to look good, so I could pick up a guy. So, what? Is there some reason, _any_ reason, why I shouldn't be doing that?"

He stared at James, who stared back at him. He didn't move, barely breathed, waiting, _hoping_ \--

James just reached for an eyemask. "I said I need my beauty sleep. Good night."

"Yeah," Kendall said. "Night."

\--

Kendall was actually feeling reasonably good about the whole thing. _Something_ was clearly bothering James, and it sure as hell  
sounded like Camille's theory was right and it was a raging case of jealousy. Which helped him figure out the rest of the plan: make James jealous so he knew he wanted Kendall, then give him an opportunity to make a move. Which would probably involve dumping poor Filipe.

Poor, fictional Filipe.

Except that it became really obvious, really early the next morning that things were not all good in 2J. Kendall's mom gave him her disappointed face as soon as he woke up (apparently whatever excuse the guys had come up with had been good enough to keep him out of trouble, but not good enough to keep her from being suspicious); Logan and Carlos kept whispering to each other and then shutting up suspiciously as soon as they saw Kendall; and James... James wasn't talking to him.

He was making comments like, "Someone tell Kendall to pass the salt, unless you have to say it in French to get his attention," though.

As they sat through Miss Collins' class, James wouldn't even look at him, even when they were assigned to be partners.

In the studio all day, James arranged it so he was standing as far away from Kendall as possible.

And when Kendall tried to ask if everything was okay (even though, obviously, it was not), James gave him the nastiest look he'd ever seen.

Which was when the guilt hit. That evening, he flounced down onto Lucy's couch. She sighed. "I will be really glad when this whole thing is over and you can go back to being normal. Or as normal as you ever get."

"I hate that he's mad at me."

"You sound like such a girl." Lucy crossed her arms.

Okay, Kendall suspected she was probably more mad because she and Camille had been making out on the couch before he'd appeared, but still. He could have used a little support. At least Camille turned to Kendall. "This is what was supposed to happen. Why are you so upset?"

"Because he's _mad_ at me." Kendall groaned, dozens of images of James with his various girlfriends appearing unbidden in his brain. The thing was, he knew _exactly_ how James felt. He knew how much it sucked, and it hurt, to go through that kind of jealousy. "I'm gonna break up with Filipe tonight."

"You know he's not real, right?" Lucy said.

"Are you sure?" Camille asked.

"Pretty sure," Lucy said. "I was in the room when you two invented him."

"Not _you_." She turned to Kendall. "You. Are you sure you want to do that? It seems like James is just teetering on the brink, now. You're close, _so_ close, you just need to push him over the edge. Metaphorically."

"Why? Why can't I just end this now?"

"Because." Camille rolled her eyes. "He hasn't told you anything. He's being a jealous jerk, sure. But if you just give him what he wants -- break up with Filipe -- then what's his reason for taking the next step? He'll just back right off and go back to flirting with any new girls who move in."

Damn it. He probably would. Kendall sighed. "Okay. So what do I have to do to push him over the edge?"

"I have no idea," Camille said. "You tell me."

"What? _You're_ the one who keeps coming up with these ridiculous plans! What... How... Come on, at least help me!"

Camille considered it, though Lucy was now running her hand up Camille's ribcage, so Kendall didn't think he'd have her attention for much longer at all. She got a little flustered but put a hand over Lucy's to pause it. "Okay, okay, think, Kendall," she instructed. "Back when you were the one doing all the jealous pining, was there ever anything, anything at all, that was so... so big, or whatever, you thought maybe you'd never be able to forgive James for it?"

"I don't want James to never forgive me."

"Duh. But keep in mind, you're not really dating anyone, so once he finds that out, it'll all be fine."

Kendall wasn't sure that logic was actually sound, but he leaned back on the couch, wracking his brain. Something James had done, something that had been the lowest blow, the worst thing he could remember...

He abruptly thought of Lauren and groaned. "Yeah, okay. I got it. But it's gonna take a few days."

"Yeah?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah," Kendall said. "It needs to be on a Friday."

\--

He had three days to kill before Friday. Wednesday, he just hung out with the guys, bumming around the apartment and the pool, talking to James even though James wasn't talking to him. At least, not at first. Then, grudgingly, James started acknowledging him again, and just like Kendall knew would happen, by the end of the night the whole thing was, if not forgiven, irrelevant.

Kendall understood. He'd been in James' shoes enough times. As much as it had always ached when James ditched him for some girl, when James was actually _around_ , it was so easy to forget the whole thing until it happened again. And it was definitely going to happen again. Kendall had a plan.

The really horrible part was that a tiny part of Kendall was actually enjoying this. He'd gone through _years_ of jealousy, half a decade of frustration and irrational anger. James didn't deserve this, since it wasn't like he'd done anything _wrong_ , but on some level Kendall couldn't help but enjoy evening the score a smidgen.

Thursday, as they all gathered their things to leave the studio, he said, "I'll catch you all tonight, okay? Late?"

"Date?" Carlos asked.

Kendall shrugged. "Something like that. Filipe's doing his big kissing scene today, he wanted me to be there to try to keep me from, you know, my usual jealous freak out."

"Did you warn him what happened you when and Jo tried that?" Logan asked with a wry raised eyebrow.

"I did," Kendall said, and added, "but I mean, it's not like he's making out with another guy. I think I can keep cool."

"Good luck," Logan said.

Kendall glanced at James, who was searching for something in his duffle bag, not looking up. He cleared his throat and added, "You guys mind covering for me again? Don't know when we'll be done, you know..."

Carlos said, "Sure --" but James snapped, "You have a curfew for a reason, you know!"

"Yeah, because my mom is paranoid," Kendall said.

"Or maybe she just doesn't trust creepy French crepe-eaters who obviously don't respect her enough to get her son home at a reasonable hour!"

"James," Logan murmured.

"He hasn't even come by to introduce himself." James stood up, grabbing his bag's straps with both hands, his knuckles white. "So I'm just gonna come out and say it, I think he's a giant jerk. If he weren't, you'd have introduced him by now. But you know we won't like him so you're hiding him, and we're not supposed to date people our friends hate, Kendall!"

"You don't hate him," Carlos jumped in. "You haven't met him, and I'm sure his schedule is just too busy because of filming and as soon as it calms down, Kendall will bring him over so we can meet him. Right, Kendall?"

Carlos stared at him hopefully and Kendall's guilt crept back in. Carlos was kind of collateral damage, here. He didn't feel the way Kendall did about James, but he'd been ditched just as often, and it must have hurt just as much. Carlos' heart was forever on his sleeve and hurting him was like kicking a puppy.

So Kendall nodded. "Sure, yeah. As soon as his schedule's a little saner. He's looking forward to it, actually, I talk about you guys all the time."

Carlos grinned and James looked a little mollified. And Logan suggested, "You think he'll be free at all tomorrow evening? He could come by for fishsticks. We'll all be there."

Kendall could have done it then, but the words froze in his throat and he couldn't force them out. He shook his head a little. "I don't think... don't think he can make it."

"Too good for fishsticks?" James muttered.

"No! Just. He." Okay, so he was going to have to do it now after all. Bracing himself, he said, "We actually have plans tomorrow. So, uh, neither of us is gonna be able to make it."

He tried to ignore the sadness on Carlos' face and the puzzlement on Logan's and just focus on James, whose eyes narrowed.

"Are you _serious_?" he demanded.

"What? It's just once, no big deal," Kendall said, a line he'd heard from James at least a dozen times.

"You've been out more than home this week!" James yelled. "You're going to be out late tonight, and tomorrow, and then what? When are _we_ ever going to hang out?"

Kendall somehow doubted James was altruistic enough for that 'we' to mean all four of them. That was stupidly familiar, too, from all the times he'd spoken on behalf of Carlos and Logan when what he really wanted was to have James to himself. To be the most important one in James' life, to have James want him _back_ for once.

So he wasn't lying and or faking or exaggerating his bitterness when he said, "Funny, coming from you. How many times have you ditched --"

  
"That's different."

"Why?"

"Because you're _you_ ," James snapped. "You're the one who's obsessed with codes and loyalty and not turning your back on your friends, so you're not allowed to ditch us! Not for some guy you just met, Kendall!"

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Kendall demanded. "So what, it's totally okay for _you_ to do it? To just leave everyone else sitting around while you go out, but when it's anyone else --"

"It's _not_ anyone else. It's you. And _fuck_ _you_ , by the way." One hand still clutching the strap of his bag, James shouldered past him.

Carlos hesitated, first staring after James, then looking over at Kendall. Kendall winced under his big, sad eyes, but he couldn't really explain, and when he didn't offer anything, Carlos followed James.

Kendall grabbed his bag, but before he could leave, Logan took his arm and pushed him around so they were looking at each other. "So nothing's going on with you and James, huh?"

"Obviously not."

"Oh believe me, _that's_ not what's obvious." Logan shook his head. "If nothing's going on, why are you being such a jerk? Just for some guy?"

"I'm not --"

"You are, and you know it. You were never like this with Jo." Logan frowned.

Kendall looked away from him. "This isn't like with Jo. I can't explain, but it's... it's not."

"So is he worth it?"

Right. Moments like these were why Kendall hated lying. So he didn't. He didn't say anything at all.

Logan snorted and started for the door. "Nothing going on with James, my ass."

\--

Kendall spent the evening in the library again, staring into space and feeling a little sick to his stomach. This was stupid. It had always been stupid, but it was really stupid now. James was a hypocrite, yeah, but he also had a point. Kendall didn't do this. He didn't turn his back on his friends, and the fact that he _had_ enjoyed hurting James a little bit, that was pretty much the worst thing he'd ever done. Hurting Logan and Carlos too? That pretty much made him the worst person of all time.

He was a terrible person.

He needed to come clean, absolutely needed to.

Except that when he got home, ready to give up and confess everything, he found James and Suzanne on the couch, apparently deciding to give it another go. They were going at _something_ , anyway, with his hand up her shirt and her skirt riding up her hips and --

"You could at least do that in your room," Kendall snapped. "Let Carlos and Logan have the living room."

Suzanne let out an embarrassed squeak, and James murmured something in her ear, pinning her to the couch. Her squeak turned into a giggle and James didn't even acknowledge Kendall's presence.

He'd apologize to the other guys later. Rage crowded out the guilt, the same ancient jealousy that had been haunting him for years.

\--

"How was _Suzanne_?" Kendall sniped over breakfast.

"Go to hell," James answered.

Carlos cleared his throat. "Are you two back together?"

James looked over at Carlos, then shook his head. "It was just a hookup. Relationships turn people into dicks."

"How would you know? You've never even been in one," Kendall muttered.

"Lauren," James snapped.

"Like _she_ counts."

"At least she spoke English. And I'm not talking to you."

"You just did," Carlos said.

And that was breakfast.

\--

Kendall and James were still project partners in class. Their project consisted mostly of them having a glare-off and in the end they turned in in a blank sheet. Miss Collins was not impressed, and Logan just rolled his eyes at them.

That was school.

\--

James shoved Kendall in the middle of dance rehearsal, as soon as Mr. X's back was turned. Kendall responded by stomping on James' foot.

"Seriously, you guys?" Carlos asked.

And that was rehearsal.

\--

Kendall showered and actually did his hair the way James had showed him to, then pulled on one of the outfits James had made him buy. Judging by James' reactions back on their shopping trip, this was actually one of his favorites. It brought out his eyes or something, James had said.

Adrenaline flooded his system as he finished getting ready for a date he knew full well wasn't going to happen. One way or another, he was going to end this. It was affecting the band, it was upsetting the guys, and he wasn't a total asshole. His guys being happy was more important, and that _included_ James. Even though James would doubtlessly be pissed as hell about this whole thing. Not to mention that whether it worked or not, James would never let Kendall live it down. But it was too late to back out now. It had been since he'd let Camille talk him into this.

So Kendall marched into the living room and stood directly between James and the television, which forced him (and Carlos and Logan, for that matter) to stare at him. "So do I look good?" he asked. "For my _date_?"

Logan shut his eyes and sank back on the couch, shaking his head. Carlos stared down at the ground, frowning. But James' gaze swept over him.

"You look like a tool," James said.

"You're the one who picked all this out." Kendall gestured at himself. "You told me it looked hot."

"I lied."

"No, you didn't. Filipe likes it."

"Then why are you asking my opinion?" James asked, teeth gritted.

Kendall played dirty: he used some truth. "Because this is your area of expertise. You're gorgeous."

James looked away, almost flinching, and it was all Kendall could do not to start doing a victory dance. Obviously James had been jealous, but friends got jealous when they were ditched. That was normal.

But James _never_ didn't want to hear about how gorgeous he was. For him to resist that meant he actually _felt_ something.

"James," Kendall said.

" _What_?"

"I'm going to go out. On a date. Tonight. Fishstick Friday." He did his best to keep the smirk off his face, but he wanted this so _badly_.

"So _go_ \--"

"Unless," Kendall said, "you've got a reason why I shouldn't."

"Kendall --"

"Do you?" Kendall asked. "Do you have a reason why I shouldn't go?"

James stared at him, then shut his eyes like he was trying to hide from something. He shook his head, silent and wordless, looking pained.

"Liar," Kendall half-laughed, which he _knew_ was just baiting James.

He was right: James' eyes flew back open and he was on his feet in a moment. Kendall smirked. James didn't do selfless well, but confrontation, _that_ he was good at. They were both good at it, especially with each other.

"Liar?" James yelled, getting in Kendall's face. "What the hell am I lying about? You're being such a douchebag. I don't want to talk to you. Get the hell out so the rest of us can have fun."

"You _are_ a liar and you know it!" Kendall shot back. "It doesn't matter what you say, you don't want me to go. And it pisses you off that I could. It pisses you off that I could just walk out the door --"

"Then why don't you?"

"You tell me, James. Why don't I?"

James opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He and Kendall were standing way too close, both tense, but almost nose to nose and eye to eye -- James was a tiny bit taller, but they were close enough that Kendall could see it in his eyes, see what he wanted to do. Kendall wanted to scream at him not to hold back, to just fucking _do it_ \--

But James didn't. He froze. Kendall could have cursed, sworn at him, screamed profanities, but it wouldn't make a bit of difference, he realized suddenly. His plan had worked too well: James thought he had boyfriend, and after everything that had happened with Camille and Logan, there was no way James would make that mistake again. It didn't matter how much he wanted Kendall, he wasn't going to do a damn thing about it.

So Kendall did it. Heart racing, pulse echoing in his ears, adrenaline turning his brain electric and narrowing his world to snap decisions, he just did it. He closed the space between them, pressed his lips to James'.

James grabbed his shoulders, yanking him closer, kissing him hard and furious. It wasn't the insistent, suave kiss from Lucy's couch, it was angry and sharp and desperate. And it only lasted a second.

Then James shoved him away and snarled, "Fuck you! You can't just do this to me!"

"But you wanted me to."

"So what if I did?" James answered, turning away, arms crossed. "What about _Filipe_? Isn't he waiting? How do you say _I kissed someone else_ in French?"

"No idea," Kendall said.

"You should look it up."

"No. I should look up _Filipe doesn't exist and I don't have a boyfriend_. But you don't speak French, so it wouldn't matter."

"What?" James asked.

And behind them, Logan -- who Kendall had almost forgotten existed -- crowed, "I knew it! I freaking _knew_ it. Pay up, Carlitos."

James spun around to stare at Logan, which was just as well, since Kendall was gaping at him, too. Sure enough, Carlos groaned and dug out his wallet, pulled a grungy bill from it, and tossed it at Logan.

"How did you _know_?" Kendall asked, as James demanded, "What is going on?"

"That's why we haven't met Filipe. He's Kendall's imaginary friend," Logan said, smirking. "It took me awhile, but I knew something was fishy when we never met him, never even saw him. Everyone else seemed to, but the more I asked, the more I found out everyone who _said_ they saw him was actually saying a friend of a friend saw him, and that friend of a friend was always Camille or Lucy. Carlos didn't think you could pull that off, but," he waved the bill triumphantly, "I _knew_ it."

"Then were have you been going?" Carlos asked. "What have you even been _doing?_ "

"Yeah," James demanded, spinning back around to face Kendall. "What the hell _have_ you been doing?"

Kendall shrugged awkwardly. "Just... hanging out. Mostly alone, you know."

"You had a hickey!" Carlos yelped.

"Yeaaaah, uh, from Lucy. Camille sat there and laughed at us, but it was mostly all her idea, actually."

"You are such a fucking liar douchebag," James said, shaking his head. "What the hell were you -- _why_ would you even -- what is _wrong_ with you?"

Kendall almost laughed. "Well, for a long time I thought everything was. I thought being gay was. I thought a lot of really stupid shit."

"So to deal with your internalized homophobia, you made up a boyfriend?" Logan asked.

Kendall didn't bother asking what that even meant. "No. Okay. Um, I'm going to sit down now." Which he did. So did James, but on the other section of the couch. Facing him, but not near him. "So, uh. The what's wrong with me thing? Is jealousy. It's always been jealousy."

He could actually see Logan get it, which was hilarious. Carlos and James didn't yet, but Logan's eyes went wide as everything fell into place for him.

"What are you talking about?" James demanded.

"Remember Lauren?" Kendall said. "Remember how much I hated her? For no reason? Yeah."

"What?" Carlos asked, then suddenly, "Oh. _Oh_. Whoa, Kendall."

But James just shook his head. "What are you talking about? She was possessive, and I had hockey stuff --"

"And I hated her," Kendall said. "Because she was with _you_. You know how you were joking about turning me gay?"

"Yeah..."

"You didn't. But..." Kendall felt his cheeks heating up. "You might have, uh, helped. A little."

"I might have... _I_ might have... You... Lauren was..." James' jaw dropped open and he stared at Kendall. Flat out, open mouthed, wide eyed _stared_.

"I was never going to do... I had it under control. And I had Jo, and it was all fine, and... and then you said you kissed boys, and it kind of made me lose my mind."

"I'll say," Logan snorted.

James actually let out a short peal of laughter. "You're kidding me. This is all because Jared kissed me at a cast party?"

"No. Yes. I don't -- you kissed me!" Kendall said, and yeah, this was exactly as humiliating as he'd always dreaded. Except he could still taste James on his lips. "And yes, I lost my mind, and then Camille put weird goo on my face, and the way you looked at me when we were shopping, but you were still going out with random girls so I invented a boy and you kissed me _back_ , god damn it. Stop smirking, you kissed me _back_."

"You were tying to make me jealous," James realized.

"Trying?" Kendall repeated. "I think I was pretty freaking successful."

"Because you want me. You've wanted me since ninth grade!"

Kendall crossed his arms over his chest, sinking down into the couch. "More like seventh, if we're being technical."

"I _totally_ turned you gay!" James crowed.

"I don't even know why I like you. You're a jerk."

James' laughter got brighter, louder, _happier_. "You know it was no big deal," he said. "When Jared kissed me. I didn't know about Logan's scale thingy --"

"Technically it's Alfred Kinsey's scale," Logan interrupted.

"Whatever. I don't know, I'm somewhere on it, like, middle-ish, I guess? But I never thought _you_ were. I never thought about you that way at all."

"Hell. This is hell."

"Deserved," Carlos said, slapping the back of his head. "For ditching us for your imaginary friend. That was not cool."

"I didn't mean to -- I really am sorry," Kendall said. "But it seemed like a good idea at the time."

James just shook his head a little. "You could have told me."

"No, I couldn't have."

"You _should_ have," James insisted. "After that night at Lucy's, I -- I'd never thought of you that way. Kissing you was just a stupid dare."

Kendall wanted to bury his head in his hands but he managed not to. Because if James didn't think of him that way, and it really had been nothing more than a dare to him, hadn't meant anything, hadn't changed anything...

"But then you had to come out." James crossed his arms, huffy. "And all I could think about was your stupid mouth, and then you were all _hot_. You fight dirty, Knight. Making me make you all hot and then flaunting it."

Kendall blinked a few times, then let himself smile just a little bit. More of a smirk, really. "So how much did you hate Filipe?"

"Shut up." James jutted his chin up. "Shut up and get over here."

" _You_ get over _here_ ," Kendall said.

"Uh, no. You're the one who's been lying and being a dick," James said, and pointed at the cushion next to him. "And you're the one who's wanted me for _ever_. So are you going to come get me or what?"

Kendall's smirk faded a little bit, as he saw all three of them staring at him. Not angry anymore, not even hurt. Just amused. Especially James, who could not possibly be more smug. It kind of made him want to punch James a little. But kiss him more.

So he stood up, stalked over, and threw himself down on the other end of the couch. "I love winning," James said.

"Yeah, sure, you win," Kendall said. "But if I lose, then how come I get to do this?" He grabbed James' shoulder, shoved him back against the couch, twisted around, and kissed him. James actually moaned a little bit, his back arching up towards Kendall, hand reaching up to grab Kendall's hair, messing it up, pulling him closer.

Kendall could have kept it up forever, if not for the sarcastic applause from the couch. He fell back onto the cushion next to James, but James' arm was still around him, warm and comfortable, like it belonged there. Like it _always_ had belonged there.

"Well, that's just adorable," Carlos said. "But I want some freaking fishsticks. Logan?"

"Yeah, definitely," Logan said, standing up. "How about you and me make them tonight?"

"We could do that," Carlos agreed.

Logan turned to Kendall and James. "You get fifteen minutes to make out. Then it's fishsticks. And video games."

"And swirly slide time," Carlos put in.

"Yeah," Logan said. "Fifteen. I'm timing it." Then he grabbed Carlos' arm and pulled him into the kitchen as they both laughed. Kendall watched them go, smiling broadly. He wasn't sure he deserved such instant forgiveness or support, but he should have known he'd get it anyway, just like he'd have given it to either of them. Them, and James.

His team.

James looked at Kendall. "I think you should tell me more about how you've always wanted me."

"Shut up," Kendall laughed.

"Shut me up," James challenged.

Kendall laughed and leaned in towards him. "Shut you up, huh? Yeah. I can definitely do that."

And he did.

Kendall really had always been awesome at plans.

 **End.**


End file.
